PHOENIX - MAY 23: Former NFL quarterback Kurt Warner sits with his wife Brenda prior to the Phoenix Suns playing the Los Angeles Lakers in Game Three of the Western Conference Finals during the 2010 NBA Playoffs at US Airways Center on May 23, 2010 in Phoenix, Arizona. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and/or using this Photograph, user is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement. (Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images)
Kurt Warner has been outed as a contestant on the next season of Dancing With The Stars? How's this going to turn out? Let's play Oddsmaker!
Okay, okay, we know Kurt probably had it written in his contract that Edyta or Julianne or whoever he gets as a partner will have to wear full burkas to their ankles and keep their pelvises from touching, lest they be subjected to 50 lashes with a wet cedar cord after the show. But still, it's fun to think of how Kurt's religious following took the news, right? I mean, the show can't be that wholesome If I TiVo it in lieu of Co-Ed Confidential.
Quick aside—what do you think Kurt's reaction to what his life has become since Trent Green went down would have been? Do you think he'd even take a million to one odds that he'd be a HOF candidate moonlighting as a ballroom dancer on ABC's highest rated show? Would he have taken a billion to one odds?
But since the cat's out of the bag, and we know that 'ol #13 has for-sure traded the pig skin for some real skin, the only appropriate thing to do is fire up the Rams Oddsmaker and see what's in the future for the former Hy-Vee stock boy.
2-1 Warner gets Julianne Hough as a partner. After a year-long sabbatical to try country music, her career has not taken off. And that's putting it politely. The self-proclaimed Christian needs to fire up what little base of fans she has left and what better way to do that then by making a Christian super voting bloc? Hough knows that Warner fans are many and rabid. They're not letting him go home early, so she can have max exposure on national TV again. The odds on this go down every day.
EVEN MONEY Brenda will literally grit her teeth the ENTIRE time Tom Bergeron interviews her. If they make it to the finals, we might see fists involved.
3-1 Warner thanks Jesus after every dance he does. No exceptions. If he doesn't mention Jesus in some form or fashion (my savior, my lord, the big guy, etc al) then you can cash this.
5-2 Warner takes his shirt off at some point during his run. Rice did it. TO did it. Ochocinco never put a shirt ON. Warner may not be as stacked as those guys, but he does have sex appeal to a certain demographic... housewives. And you know what they want to see? Grey nipple hair. On Kurt Warner. Can the producers talk him into this?
7-1 Warner falls down. He's taken a ton of sacks in his career and always seemed to know when to make himself scarce when the play didn't matter by laying down softly and avoiding the big collision.* Perhaps he reverts to old habits instinctually? Staying on his feet the entire game was never Warner's strong suit. I love the guy, but still.
* This is not really true. The dude was a warrior. I just needed to pretend like it was so the joke fit in. I added this in, because upon revising I felt guilty. That's the power of Warner.
10-1 Warner wins the whole damn thing. The dude wasn't supposed to be a good QB either, and he went to three Super Bowls and is probably headed to Canton. So taking a double digit flyer on Warner has paid big dividends in the past. Hard to move this number either way until we see the rest of the cast. If Lawrence Taylor makes a repeat appearance, all bets are off.
14-1 Brooke Burke makes a religiously inappropriate joke that she apologizes for on the next show as Kurt urges forgiveness.
2-1 It involves something Jewish.
25-1 Warner uses this national stage to out Bill Belichick as the cheating scum we all know he is. Warner plays the long destroyed 'tapes' and a national scandal erupts around the Patriots all over again.
50-1 Warner gets aroused. And there is no way to avoid noticing it. Deadspin crashes.
100-1 Warner leaves Brenda for Julianne and they decide to go complete heel on everyone. Drugs, booze- all of it. The Hollywood Hogan move of professional football. If Julianne asked you to do this, you would. And you wouldn't even think twice. So don't think she can't break down Warner.
500-1 Warner quits the show in Week 3. Joins the Minnesota Vikings after they start 1-2. Comes in and starts week 4 and leads the Vikings to a 14-2 record, home field advantage in the NFC Playoffs, and forces the writers of his pending screenplay to rewrite everything we've ever known about his career and the human limits of mankind.
1M to 1 Warner is paired with a dude and wins. He dedicates the golden disco ball to gay-rights advocates the world over.
I think I've talked myself into the Warner on Dancing With The Stars era. I didn't think I'd be on board with it, but after scribbling out some of the possibilities, I'm pretty damn excited about it.
Turning into the Most Interesting Ram. Ever.