In Which Albert Pujols Negotiates His New Contract And Makes A Power Play

November 1st, 2010. Albert Pujols walks into John Mozeliak's office. The Saint Louis Cardinals will never be the same.

 

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John Mozeliak

Albert, Please come in, sit down. You had a heck of a year last season. Sorry the rest of the offense was Matt Holliday, Colby Rasmus, and the cast of Wings.

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Albert Pujols

Is okay, mang, not like I'm sacrificing my body everyday out there or anything. Dids you know they found teeth in my elbow? Honests to Gods, teeth. But I kept playing, you know.

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I do know. And playing well, at that. And for your efforts, we would like to make you the richest player in baseball.

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Allrights, I's listening...

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We are prepared to offer you something no player has ever been offered before. We just heard back from the league office and after some negotiation they signed off on it. This is historic, Albert...

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Thas what I want to hear, mang....

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We want to offer you a five year contract worth $50 million.

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What? I thought you were going to open DeWallet.

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Bill DeWitt Jr

Hear him out, Albert, old chap. John, please continue.

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Yes, of course, Albert. That's not all. You'll also get 10 percent of the gross sales on your jerseys, as well as all profits from our new Pujols Pollo Pieces, which will go on sale at 50 percent of our concession stands starting next year.

Those are both for life.

We have a series of one year player options which begin in 2017 and go until 2022, worth $12 million. We'd also like to throw in a 30 year extension as an official employee of the Cardinals, which would begin after you retire. You'd be free to act in any capacity you'd like for two million dollars a year, plus cost of living raises.

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And how much is the jersey and chicken worth?

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Up to five million dollars a year.

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Dee is a really good cook, perhaps she could help with the Pujols Pollo.

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Oh, we've already got a good grasp on it, Albert. Check out the prototype.

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Those are just Chicken McNuggets wearing St. Louis sombreros. That's some offensive-ass shid, mang.

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We're trying to spread your culture, Albert.

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I'm not even Mexcian...

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But a lot of people here just... you know...

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Dennys Reyes

If you need me to endorse these, I will. Oh, Dios, will I!

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Thank you, Dennys. 

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So, you're essentially giving me ten years at $110 million, plus five million dollars a year for life, then after I retires, I can pick my own job for the rest of my life?

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That is correct.

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So... can I be the General Manager?

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Ummmmmmm....

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Of course, Albert.

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Wait, what?

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Quiet, you.

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Don't worry, Mister Mo, we'll keep you on. You can cook the Pujols Pollo Pieces!

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Tony La Russa

Excellent.

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I'ms goin be the manager too, T-bones.

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What?

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I'm okay with that.

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But I'm a hall of famer to be! You know how many games I've won!

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Honestly, not as many as Albert has.

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Yeah, Bones, 'member when you started Savinohas over Rasmus? Yeah—I pretend to be mad at Colby, but can yous blame the kid for hating you? Nick freaking Stavinoha!

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But he keeps trying to pull outside pitches!

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Who are you, Al Hrabosky? Did Colby rape you' grandmother, too? The kid is playing great. They can't all be me! And speaking of Al, I'ma gonna take his job, too.

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So you're going to be manager, general manager, and broadcaster?

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And concessions manager. I'll be making sure your boss is making sure you're properly frying that pollo.

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Wait... who's my boss?

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Get to work, skinny butt.

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Everything's coming up Pujols. Where do I sign?

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