The (Terrible) Labor Day Weekend In Saint Louis Sports

By Alex Fritz - Contributor

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Sep 3, 2010 - Friday, September 3rd, 2010:

7:15 CDT St. Louis Cardinals v. Cincinnati Reds

The Redbirds' first game home after a disastrous 2-8 road trip, during which they fell eight (EIGHT!) games out of first place, I'm more excited to see if the Cardinals are booed while entering the field of play than I am to see if Brandon "Nostradamus" Phillips is booed for lacking tact or given a standing O for calling the Redbirds what they are, a group of heartless, spineless bitches* who lay down when their season was on the brink.

*In many ways, I wish Albert Pujols' reward for winning Player of the Month in August was to be traded to a team which actually possesses a scrotum and doesn't cower in the fetal position at the sight of the Pirates, Nationals, and Astros. Phillips was right. This team pushes back from adversity weaker than Terri Schiavo.

I'm also interested to see if the Cardinals take the field with racing stripes through their uniform bottoms, as they have clearly been pooping themselves for over two weeks now.

Saturday, September 4th, 2010

11:30 AM CDT Missouri v Illinois in the State Farm Arch Rivalry Brought to you by Jimmy Johns, Hucks, Prairie Farms, Casey's, Kitchen Cooked Potato Chips, and Other Licensing Rights

Ah, it's the rivalry that people from both sides of the river are supposed to care about, but nobody really does.

(And after a summer of World Cup soccer and three weeks of English Premier League, may I say that Thursday night's college American Football season premier was quite quaint. Good show, Yanks!)

The two schools' best feature is that they both have large fanbases of people who did not actually attend the schools involved but are still fans, although playing each other the first game of the year doesn't fully capitalize on the excitement, as most rednecks are too excited grilling brats and shooting roman candles while celebrating "labor" (whatever that is.) It won't be until the week before Christmas that the rednecks decide they want to beat each other in an athletic competition played out by men they have never met.

But this is the last of the soon-to-be battles between M-I-Z-I-N-I at the Edward Jones Dome, and it should be exciting. Mizzou's starting RB is out with Ben Roethlisberger's Disease and Illinois coach Ron Zook has taken a page out of Gary Pinkel's playbook from a few years back and decided that instead of having a WR at QB (Brad Smith, Juice Williams, Eddie McGee), the Illini will actually have a QB under Center in Nathan Scheelhaase, which is going to suck to spell for the next four years.

Prediction: Nobody Cares, Bring on The Bragging Rights! Oh, Mizzou wins 34-17

3:10 CDT Cardinals v. Reds

Adam Wainwright v. Travis Wood. Matt Holliday breaks his leg and is done for the season, Yadier Molina tests positive for gonorrhea and is murdered by his wife, and the Cardinals fall 10 games back in the NL Central race.

Sunday September 5th, 2010

Homer Bailey v. Chris Carpenter. After going only two innings during a 12-1 loss the day before, we find out Adam Wainwright's arm needs to be amputated. Colby Rasmus is done for the year with a cracked coccyx. Jose Oquendo quits to run against Robin Carnahan for the open Missouri Senate seat.

Monday September 6th, 2010

In Milwaukee, WI, Jake Westbrook decides to skip his start to attend the political rally for Milwaukee's third socialist mayor while Alice Cooper takes notes. Albert Pujols is traded for Michael Bourne, since according to every talk show host on 101.1 ESPN, the Cardinals' problem is they don't have a lead-off hitter. Chris Carpenter kills himself and Jaime Garcia deports himself back to Mexico, where he works the agave fields alongside Cristos Carpenteros.

The End.

Thanks for a terrible year, Cardinals. And a pretty bad weekend.

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