The 2012 Kentucky Derby is nearly here, and as a teetotaler this means one thing to me: I'm going to think, "Hey, a mint julep sounds pretty good!", and then I'm going to look at a mint julep recipe and realize that, despite its sounding like some kind of ice cream cookie, it is in fact mostly bourbon with some ice and leaves in it. In any case: On to a mint julep recipe you, a non-teetotaler, can use to impress your friends and loved ones!

You need: Bourbon, fresh mint, sugar, crushed ice, and a wooden spoon.

You need to do this: Muddle the mint and the sugar—combine them, that is, without destroying the mint, at the bottom of your glass. Add some bourbon and some ice (to taste), and then find a way to look as classy as possible while drinking them. For more detailed information, and serving instructions, consult the musings of SB Nation's captive bartender.

In the meantime, I think I'll just have some mint chocolate chip ice cream. That's probably as close as I can get to what my brain thinks a mint julep actually is.