Chris Carpenter Talks Around 2012 Return, Sets Cardinals Fans' Collective Heart Aflutter

Omigod-omigod-omigod-omigod-omi-Chris Carpenter, erstwhile St. Louis Cardinals ace, injury-prone right-handed pitcher, and King of All Angry Badass Starters, was supposed to be out all season after nerve problems caused him to be shut down repeatedly in the spring. Rick Hummel, however, just raised the possibility that he'd be back this year in some capacity. This is the part of the movie trailer where the guy says, "They thought they'd killed Chris Carpenter. They were wrong."

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The facts themselves are pretty pedestrian: Chris Carpenter threw a bullpen session and felt pretty good about it. But Rick Hummel knows how to write—he's like the Chris Carpenter of the Post-Dispatch, only I have no idea how many obscenities he hurls at Joe Strauss—so he wrote this:

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Asked afterward if he would be able pitch before the season ended, Carpenter said, significantly, "I don’t know. Let’s see what happens."

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That is how you suggest a pitcher might be back before the end of the season: with the word significantly. Suddenly, reading a piece that could have just been about a long-planned rehab appearance for a player the Cardinals don't really have space for right now, everyone in St. Louis is having the same thought at work—the movie trailer thought.

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I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for batting, I can tell you I don't have RBIs. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let Lance Lynn throw his (()*%^)$@ fastball by you, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

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