The most popular Saint Louis Cardinals players, coaches, and front office members assemble for a press conference to take questions from their biggest fans.

Al Hrabosky:

Good afternoon from the Saint Louis Hyatt Regency—this is Al Hrabosky for Fox Sports Midwest reporting live as we get ready for the this Question-and-Answer interaction with the Saint Louis Cardinals and their fans. Lets start it out with this eager young man!

Young boy:
Mr Mozeliak, what are your feelings about Kyle Lohse heading into spring training?

John Mozeliak:

My main feeling is anger, with a touch of sorrow. Ignorance. Regret. Is duped a feeling? God, I'm so insecure. Why? I don't blame you, Kyle...but why? Why did you bring this up? Look what you did you little jerk!

WHATEVER!

Okay... next question... yes, you sir...

Jeff Gordon:

Mo, Have you considered Sam Bradford to back up David Freese at third base?

No, but if he's willing to come down, we can take a look at his skills at second base. Anyone can play there.

Skip Schumaker:

What the hell, Mo?

Quiet before I replace you with that effeminate kid from earlier.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS, BITCHESSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Okay, yes, you sir!

Random Person:

Mister La Russa, who would be the ideal leadoff candidate for this year's team?

Tony La Russa:

You look pretty gritty. How do you feel about spreadsheets?

Never heard of them, sir.

Sir! That's what Eckstein used to call me! I guess you'll be leading off for us! Mo... Sign him up!

Tony...

Do it, Assbag. You know who I am.

Fine. Random farmer, you take Miles' spot.

Oh he's more than that. He's like Miles, Suppan, Winn, and Feliz combined. 

So the first time I contemplate suicide is at a press conference in front of a few hundred Cardinals fans. This is just where I saw my life going. 

Okay... that got dark, real fast... our... um... next question, yes, you sir...

(Al Hrabosky disappears behind a column; this man appears on the other side.)

Strange man:

Hi, I was hoping Colby Rasmus could address how he hopes to cut down on his strikeout total this season.

Colby Rasmus:

Dangolegoaboutmygameandplaywithinmydangoleself.

What about how much of a jerk you are?

Areyouwearingadangolewig?

No.

Yes. I'm sorry. Next question!

Random Lady

I have a question for Chris Carpenter... does this dress make me look fat?

CHRIS CARPENTER:

THE [BEEP]-ING [BEEP] [BEEP] PAGER ON YOUR [BEEP] DRESS MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A [BEEP] [BEEP] IDIOT. BUT, NO, YOU DO NOT LOOK [BEEP}-ING FAT.

And with that, we throw it up to Jimmy "The Cat" Hayes with another round of "Cat Fight!"