Dear Theo Epstein: It's me, your unpaid and uninvited intern, Dan. Dan Moore. The one with the—look, forget about. Anyway, I just finished looking through that closet like you asked—like you were going to ask—and here's that list of Chicago Cubs skeletons you were looking for. Let me know if you need anything else. Actually, just let me know, like, if you read it. Please?â†µ
1. Alfonso Soriano, the skeleton that kept trying to swing at my flashlight. Alfonso Soriano's contract runs through 2014 at a cost of $18 million a year, which is a lot of money for a guy who is just managing to keep his head over 100 OPS+ water. He's still got a lot of power, but he can't run anymore and it doesn't matter anyway because he's never on base.
Recommendation: Trade for P.J. Walters and have him throw nothing but screwball-changeups into the other batter's box until Soriano learns to lay off it or goes crazy in the process. If he goes crazy we can write this off!â†µ
2. Carlos Zambrano, the skeleton who was clearing his things out of the closet. He's probably still a pretty good pitcher, and he did hit .318 with two home runs in 2011, but the bad news is he recently held a press conference in which he announced that, I'm paraphrasing, he would not rest, he would not sleep until he'd assassinated the Chicago Cubs' general manager. Which is you now, maybe? Then he stormed out of it.â†µ
3. Something about a curse? A skeleton with three fingers told me about this one. I don't know.â†µ
If you want, I can tell you all about how great Starlin Castro is again. Would you like that?â†µ