Miami Marlins Sign Jose Reyes, Contact Your Agent

The Miami Marlins have signed Jose Reyes to play shortstop and get nodded at passive-aggressively all year and Heath Bell to throw like 50 innings, for some reason, and they continue to scare the St. Louis Cardinals by offering Dan Lozano 50 bucks to stand outside their suite at the 2011 Winter Meetings and shout, "A BILLION dollars!? Over a THOUSAND years!? You have to be joking!" 

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But they aren't done yet. As a regional sportsblog editor I've been offered the chance to tell my readers, exclusively, their next move: They want to sign you. 

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You see, the Marlins have struggled to draw in recent years, and since they just finished extorting their hometown fans out of hundreds of millions of dollars they're a little worried about filling the gaps in their new stadium. So St. Louis fans who are willing to relocate to Miami—well, Jon Heyman tells me Scott Boras told him that they'd be handsomely rewarded for their treachery.

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The bad news is that you'll have to wear one of their new jerseys. 

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