Explaining Albert Pujols's Contract Offers Through "Famous" Pro Wrestling Heel Turns

We learned at a young age that the world can be a very disappointing place. Your dog can die, your favorite TV show can be canceled, your hero can betray his best friend while being interviewed by a muscular man who is holding garden shears while pretending to be a barber.

Today, we take these life lessons and apply them to the possibilities that arose during the Albert Pujols sweepstakes. This is how professional wrestling taught us to adapt with the possibility of Pujols signing with Mystery Team, the Marlins, the Cubs, the Cardinals, and finally his One True Love the Los Angeles Angels and their piles and piles of money.

Mystery Team: Shawn Michaels 


It's late October, Chris Rose is interviewing you on stage following Game 7 of the World Series, you think everything is perfect... and then BOOM—Albert Pujols superkicks you and then throws you through the barbershop window that is life by signing with Mystery Team. Also, holy crap, pro wrestling was ridiculous.

Miami Marlins: Hulk Hogan 


The WCW was at their peak recruiting free agents from the WWF and finally landed the biggest fish of them all, Hulk Hogan. Unfortunately, wrestling audiences were really sick of yellow-and-red-wearing, prayer-saying, and eating vitamins Hulk Hogan at that point. Hulk Hogan was in desperate need of a character change. The next thing you know, he was leg-dropping Randy Savage, painting on his beard, and listening to Hendrix.

I assume that if Pujols had signed with Miami, he'd grow the Hogan beard, start a casual cocaine habit, and collect cigarette boats.

Chicago Cubs: Sgt Slaughter


This one didn't really make sense. He was supposed to embody everything that was right with America: He was fat, the whole character may or may not have been used to sell crappily made toys, and he wore tights. USA! USA!

But on the dawn of the first Gulf War, Slaughter, disgusted with his country, joined the Iraqi army. Or something. I don't know. The whole thing was pretty devastating to really cool ten year olds everywhere. Well, not everywhere. Or cool.

Cardinals: Lex Luger's Face Turn


Hey, speaking of anti-American sentiment, I can't wait to someday tell my kids that the most evil person in the world was once Yokozuna, a morbidly obese Japanese man whose only real skill was not being able to be picked up. So one fine fourth of July, the world's attention turned to an aircraft carrier -- because, yeah, this is all going to make sense -- where a variety of wrestlers and strongmen tried to bodyslam Yokozuna.

Predictably, everyone failed! Unpredictably, a helicopter appeared!

Out stepped Lex Luger, once the hated "Narcissist", but now the All-American Man! He succesfully bodyslammed Yokozuna (kind of), then went on to tour the country in a patriotic themed bus! 1993 was weird. Anyway, I guess this was supposed to be an analogy for Pujols returning to the Cardinals. Pretty sure it failed miserably, but I hope you learned something!

Los Angeles Angels: Randy Savage


Savage and Hogan! The Mega Powers! They were unstoppable until Savage's manager and love interest, The Lovely Miss Elizabeth, also started managing Hogan. Savage got jealous. Real jealous... like a man who was being offered forty million dollars more by another organization. Savage abandoned Hogan during a tag team match (which Hogan went on to win, natch) and left The Lovely Miss Elizabeth for Sensational Sherri.

So... Pujols is Savage, the Cardinals are Hogan, Adam Wainwright is Miss Elizabeth, and CJ Wilson is Sensational Sherri.

THE END.

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