New Zealand Earthquake Announce Official Conversion To Outfield

After a stunning failure to produce the rapture on May 21, 2011, Harold Camping's proposed New Zealand earthquake announced its intention to return to the minor leagues for further training as an outfielder, thereby reducing your correspondent to a sobbing mess on the floor of his mother's basement and disappointing millions of people whose own lives had been sublimated in favor of its incredible promise. 

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The earthquake, which was going to be so awesome, I just know it, with the curveball and the rapturing and the new kingdom of heaven on earth, announced Saturday that it just didn't have the competitive fire in its heart necessary to move on after one failed prediction and a series of wild pitches that called into question Harold Camping's decision to start it in Family Radio's first game on the national stage. 

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When asked to go into further detail, the earthquake suggested it would be really awesome for a year and a half sometime in the distant future before injuries and problems with its plate discipline forced it into a bench role, which your correspondent would implicitly promise never to mention. 

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