Toronto Blue Jays Fans: Care And Maintenance Of Your New Colby Rasmus

Your COLBY RASMUS comes equipped with HOME RUN ACTION, INTERMITTENTLY IMPRESSIVE DEFENSE ACTION, and DEBATABLY USEFUL SPEED ACTION. Please do not expose your COLBY RASMUS to direct sunlight, fans of MAKING THINGS HAPPEN on offense, or TONY LA RUSSA.

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Your COLBY RASMUS just got out of a really bad relationship, in which TONY LA RUSSA couldn't really find the player he fell in love with, who hit groundballs and batted .300/.350 instead of .270/.350. The early-June recall involving COLBY RASMUSES who had excessively low batting averages on balls in play for no discernable or permanent reason is still in effect; for a refund, please contact DAN MOORE, of SB NATION ST. LOUIS, for a mailing address and a prepaid, COLBY RASMUS-sized box.

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OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS: Place your COLBY RASMUS in the middle of the lineup, next to the other home run hitters, and initiate the HOME RUN ACTION by allowing him to pull the ball as much as he possibly can. COLBY RASMUS will occasionally require an internet connection so as to speak to his crazy, exhibitionist father, TONY RASMUS, re: his hitting slumps. STRIKEOUTS and AWKWARD MISPLAYS IN THE OUTFIELD are part of the normal operation of your COLBY RASMUS. Please do not overreact and trade him for a pitcher who's a free agent at the end of the year.

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