Arthur Rhodes Just Ate BJ Rains; Or, The Birth of The Saint Louis Zombie Cardinals

The date was August 28th, 2011.

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The Saint Louis Cardinals had just lost to the Pirates 7-0, falling 10 1/2 games back in their division. The season seemed so hopeless there were cries from Cardinals fans to let Tyler "Always Disappointing" Greene start at shortstop.

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Fearless Cardinals manager Tony La Russa did not relinquish to these demands, in fact he circled the wagons, doubled down, and called a closed door meeting with his troops. The guest speaker would be Mike Shannon.

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"Guys, I want to tell you about a year called 1964, okay," Shannon started. "Things were different back then, okay, we actually elected a Catholic president a few years back, and there were Cubans and The Beatles, it was wild. Things weren't going so hot for the team, though, we trailed the Philles by 37 games with 38 to play, okay, when Bob Gibson got an idea. Gibby called Harry Fanock, some kid up for a cup of coffee, okay, Gibby called him over to his locker and gathered the team around. Gibby said 'Guys, we're 83 games back with six to play. The only way we're going to catch those Philles is if we kill and eat Fanock.' And the clubhouse got real quiet, okay, and old Fanock started looking around real nervous like, sweating, we all got real serious looks on our fa..."

↵

Suddenly there is a gun shot in the back of the locker room, causing Shannon and the rest of the team to drop to the ground. Pete Kozma lies dead. Arthur Rhodes stands over his body, a .45 still smoking in his hand.

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"Dig in, boys!" Yells Rhodes, before leaning over and biting into Kozma's arm.

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"Wait, what in the hell are you doing?" Questions La Russa.

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"Mr. Shannon said they ate their teammates in 1964 to gain 720 games in two days," explains Rhodes.

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"No, no, you didn't let me finish, okay," interupts Shannon, "Gibby said 'Boys, we need to kill and eat Fanock', okay, and then we let Fanock sweat it for a bit before we all busted out in laught... Did you just eat Pete Kozma?"

↵

Arthur Rhodes stands with blood dripping down his chin, and no sign left of Pete Kozma.

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"Yes. He was delicious." Rhodes' body snaps to attention. "BRAAAAAIINNNNNNNNS!!!!" he bellows.

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Ryan Theriot mistakes his yell for "Rains!" and finds Fox Sports Midwest reporter BJ Rains.

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Arthur Rhodes then ate BJ Rains. The Saint Louis Zombie Cardinals were born.

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-------------------------

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Fast forward a month later. The Cardinals have made the playoffs, finishing off a historic comeback, besting the Atlanta Braves for the Wild Card in the final night of the season. John Mozeliak stands in his office, opening a new box of ST LOUIS CARDINALS 2011 PLAYOFFS sweatshirts.

↵

"Yes, we made the playoffs," he says to himself, "But at what price? Pete Kozma, Bryan Augenstein, Matt Carpenter, Mark Hamilton... All murdered and eaten by Arthur Rhodes. Yes, serving Carpenters' thighs as gyros was divine, but bold flavors doesn't make cannibalism right, you guys."

↵

Behind a plant in his office, a voice. "You could have dang ole' stopped this Mister Mo."

↵

"Rasmus? What are you doing here?" Mozeliak asks as Colby Rasmus steps out from behind a palm tree.

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"Their blood is on your hands, Mister Mo."

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"How so, Colby?"

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"It was my dang ole southern sensibilities that was keeping those guys from eating each other. Without me leaving, there wouldn't have been any dang ole Zombie Cardinals. You sentenced those guys to death by trading me."

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Mozeliak stands behind his desk, silent, for what feels like an eternity. "Belize doesn't have an extradition treaty with America, right?"

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"How the hell would I know? I'm Colby Rasmus, figment of your imagination," Rasmus says before a cloud of smoke rises from his his feet, covering him. A spooky xylophone plays in the background.

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The smoke clears, Rasmus is still there.

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"Well, this is awkward."

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"THATS OUR RASMUS!" YELLS THE AUDIENCE.

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STARWIPE OUT.

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