St Louis Sports Power Rankings: January 2012

If SOPA passes, I'd probably be in jail for this. Wait... That may be a plus for SOPA...

10 (Tie). David Freese and Jose Oquendo

Freese's incredible BABIP streak continues, as he lucked out when that horrible TV show about two men dressing like women that he had filmed a cameo on was canceled after two episodes. Let us all pray his scenes will never be released online.

Actually, let's pray for the opposite of that.

Jose makes the list because I just found out about this website.

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9. Adam Wainwright

As happy as I am to have Adam Wainwright back in 2012, I fear this:

"I am obsessed with Tim Tebow," Wainwright said.

will not end well.

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8. Frank Stallone

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7. Matt Holliday

Nobody believed him when he said he was going to the Winter Warmup dressed as Rocky Balboa, but he pulled it off.

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6. Frank Haith

Haith has guided the fifth ranked Mizzou Tigers to a remarkable 17-1 record as they set to go up against the number three ranked Baylor Bears this weekend. His secret? Nothing but Bel Biv Devoe in the locker room.

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5. Carlos Beltran

I was moderately surprised that Beltran felt the need to call a press conference to announce that he is not a robot.

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His delivery could use some work. None of the reporters look convinced.

4. Stan Kroenke

People dislike the Rams' new owner for the same reason people hated the ending of LOST. Instead of wrapping up the "will you move the team to LA?" question with a simple "No" he gave a teaser "We'll see..." and never really addressed what Walt's power was.

Also, for someone worth like seven billion dollars, he looks like a wine-o attending a wedding.

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3. Ken Hitchcock

In 2003, Sterling Hitchcock went 5-1 for the Cardinals. I'm told he is not related to the Blues coach. He used to have a mustache.

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This is the extent of my hockey analysis.

2. Jeff Fisher

Jeff Fisher was hired to do two things: Win football games and make love to your wife. And he's already out of football games.

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1. Toni Softli

It's hard to believe that Toni Softli has only been in the market for a year and a half. In that time, the man has built a virtual media empire, what with his many radio assignments, a website, a twitter account, and a parody twitter account that at times can be impossible to separate from his actual account.

The man works all hours of the day and night (often via his iPhone while making his mustache smell like cigar smoke) to relentlessly break stories hours after they had already been confirmed by other media folk, and to that we owe him everything.

Also, it's kind of awesome that he looks like Mr Johnson from Sesame Street, who had a comic foil, Grover, who kind of looks like Softli's real life comic foil, Matt Sebek.

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