Before I tell you what I know about the Chris Carpenter injury, I—I want to be sure you'll forgive me. I'm just like you: I love the St. Louis Cardinals, and I had no intention of performing an arcane magazine-cover-curse on their pitching aces. Just like you! Thing happen, though, you know, so in the course of writing for the 2011 Maple Street Press Cardinals Annual I may have, you know, cursed Chris Carpenter and Adam Wainwright by assenting to this a-little-hubristic cover.

Look, we're pals, right? And I realize that this magazine came out right before Wainwright had elbow surgery, and our latest ebook, the Viva El Birdos Annual, came out right before Carpenter's neck fell apart. That's all clear to me. But there's no reason to bring all your pitchforks and torches to my student apartment. Because we're pals!

And I promise you that that rumor about my self-publishing a book called Albert Pujols Is Totally Going To Sign With The Cardinals, You Idiots, Probably Right This Minute in December was just that: A rumor.