If you believe in astrology for some reason, or are just pissed off that you have to sell all your Leo-sign gear on Craigslist, don't say SB Nation St. Louis has never done anything for you—I've just secured an exclusive interview with Ophiuchus, the new astrological sign, who has graciously agreed to give us his exclusive NFL Playoff picks. Ophiuchus, I just want to thank you for picking up, I know your phone's been ringing off the hook today—
Ophiuchus: It is I, Ophiuchus!! The Serpent-Bearer! I The Snake-Holder! The only mortal able to bring man back from the hereafter! What could you want with such power, boy?
I was just talking to your agent, actually—she said you had some playoff picks for us. We in St. Louis are especially interested in what you have to say about the—
Ophiuchus: Playoffs? I have seen your "football" from my place atop the firmament!! These men, if you can call them men, prance afield like half-grown eromenoi!! They have none of the dignity of Greek sport, and none of the passion of Greek athletes. And they're wearing clothes! What a girly thing to do!!
I understand that you're really busy today—I hear you're going to be on Ellen later—so, I mean, thanks for the interview. I was hoping to get your thoughts on the Seattle Seahawks but—
Ophiuchus: Oh, those guys suck. Bears by 14. Sorry—those guys suck!! Bears by 14!!