Cam Newton, As Scouted By Jimmy Clausen

SCOUTING REPORT for the Carolina Panthers on the occasion of the 2011 NFL Draft. SUBJECT: Cam Newton. SCOUT: James Clausen. Newton shows a lot of natural talent—incredible speed, great arm strength, unparalelled college gifts. But he also sucks. He sucks and I hate him. Remember when his dad took money, and he stole stuff, I think? That sucked, right? Imagine how much he'll suck when he realizes he has to live in Carolina, and play for the Panthers. Not that anybody wouldn't want to do it, I'm just saying, some of us might like it more than he does, because he'll probably hate it. 

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Newton could be a quarterback that changes the position of quarterback. And who wants that? Nobody does. More conventional quarterbacks, who are maybe white and can't run as fast and come from traditional football schools that don't buy into this new-fangled "conference" system, won't change the game we know and love as much as this guy would. What do we want, some non-football team? 

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Finally, it's important to draft for need, and I'm just not sure we need another quarterback. There's Matt Moore, and that other guy, too, and maybe we should give both those guys another chance, maybe other guy first. Preliminary scouting grade: F-. Might work as a tight end, running back, wide receiver, or special-teams gunner. 

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