SB Nation St. Louis's annual Fantasy Football Guide devoted to the NFL lockout has been released, and for some reason it's selling much faster than usual.
It's here! For the second straight season SB Nation St. Louis is proud to bring you the internet's only Draft Guide devoted exclusively to Fantasy NFL Lockout leagues. Whether you're looking to win the pool at your practice, show your old business college buddies who's boss, or just infuriate the people in your fantasy football league who agreed to play as a joke, the tips, tricks, and gray-area legal maneuvers contained herein will make fantasy-compromise a thing of the past on draft day.
Not ready to buy? Here's a taste of the analysis you'll find on each of 1500 pages of Fantasy Lockout Index. Remember that the paper edition comes with a full-color Roger Goodell growth chart, ready to hang on your door. Or, you know, to do whatever with.
Jerry Jones: Jones had a lost season in 2010, failing to get his Dallas Cowboys to Super Bowl XLV in time for a home-team-advantage championship season, and it's that ability to lose entire seasons that makes Jerry Jones the most dangerous man in Fantasy Lockout every year.
Whether it's firing somebody too soon, dumping on one of his own players to the press, or making himself the lede whenever possible, Jones just doesn't take a down off. Building his jumbo-jumbotron just in time for bored journalists to run stories about how it hasn't been turned on all year was a masterstroke; owner owners in keeper leagues will be able to benefit from that decision for years to come.
Al Davis: Davis is starting to get unreliable in his old age, but if you're worried about his ability to negatively impact the game of football into his dotage just ask Darius Heyward-Bey—if you can find him! Davis is no longer a front-line owner in Fantasy Lockout, but he's a big-play threat any time he has a head coach in his sights.
Stan Kroenke: A decent pick-up in NFC-only and keeper leagues, Kroenke is still a few years away from the top tier of Fantasy Lockout owners. But if you're ready to wait for the Edward Jones Dome's lease to expire you could be around for a franchise's existential crisis. Which would be great!
Final Word: Don't compromise! Compromise is for suckers!
Awkward Twitter Account Guy: Get one early, but don't sacrifice a second-round pick if there's a run on them. Twitter accounts last forever, but trending topics come and go; if he's shedding followers he's already peaked as a source of fan disillusionment, no matter how often he tweets pictures of his Maybach covered in delicate gold-leaf paintings of two pitbulls doing it.
Says All The Right Things Quarterback: A risky strategy—if you're prepared to go this route, make sure to avoid the Sam Bradford type. The key is to find a quarterback whose post-unofficial-workout comments are so anodyne that fans begin to wonder what excited them about football in the first place.
Well-informed Union Representative: "Put him on the injured reserve—put him on the—I don't care how, just do it!" Then hang up your fantasy-red-phone and mix yourself some kind of evil-looking cocktail.
Jeff George: You know he's been thinking about it, right? If you don't already own his rights from your UFL Fantasy Draft, consider selecting George with a late pick in the replacement rounds.
Steven Williams: Solid replacement kicker—looks like any other kicker with a helmet on.
William Stevens: Avoid this guy at all costs! Once made a colorful statement after a college football game.
Keanu Reeves: Do the kids still like this one? If the kids still like him, you might, you know, put him in for a game, just to sell some seats, if it comes to that.
Final Word: Don't compromise! What do you want to be, some kind of sucker?