Nothing says "lazy internet writing person" like some power rankings. So... here are some Saint Louis sports power rankings.
10. RON ZOOK AT NIGHT: RON ZOOK TAKES A RED BULL ENEMA EVERY HOUR, ON THE HOUR. PUTTING HIM IN A SATURDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL GAME IS LIKE PUTTING AN OLD ASIAN PROSTITUTE IN A HOUSE LITERALLY MADE OF DICKS. SATURDAY NIGHT. UNDER THE LIGHT. ILLINI V. SUN DEVILS. THIS IS GONNA BE INNNNNNNNNNTENNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSEEEEEEE.
9. The St. Louis Blues: I assume they have a season coming up? That's all the analysis I got.
8. Jason Motte: Since the arbitrary end point of June 26th, Motte has faced 116 batters and has held them to a line of .180/.207/.207. This is the second year in a row Motte has had an excellent season. It is also the second year in a row he's dominated after a rockier first month or two. In 2010, starting on May 15th, Motte finished out the season facing 152 batters and holding them to a .193/.258/.267 line.
During his 2010 hot streak, his BABIP was .255; in 2011's streak it has been .233. Both obviously lower than his career .277 but he would still be having two great seasons even if his luck averaged out. Looks like we got ourselves a closer.
7. Dan Caesar
Dan Caesar needs a radio show which is nothing but him reporting the Arbitron ratings of other radio shows. He could also collect other stats, such as "most diet pill/workout advertisements by a fat guy", "most dating commercials done by lonely people", and "least relevant" (automatic winner for that chick from the Real World).
6. Frank Haith: Mizzou coach Frank Haith still may or may not be at liberty to discuss once paying a player $10,000 to play for him at Miami (seriously, I can't tell if he's allowed to discuss it or not). But did tell KTRS "I don't wait for it to come up... It's the elephant in the room." I assume "it" is the player asking "Will you give me $10,000?"
5. Chris Carpenter: The remarkably angry man went from a certain bust of a contract after missing most of 2007 and 2008, only to come back and be a horse of a starting pitcher for the last three years before signing a team-friendly two year extension for 2012 and 2013. Assuming health (which one should never do), Carpenter will end his career as the third greatest pitcher in Cardinals franchise history.
4. Sam Bradford's Hand, Steven Jackson's Quad, Danny Amendola's Elboy, Ron Bartell's Neck: Together, those four parts is a pretty decent start if you were creating a Frankenstein football player. Or it could be DOOOOM.
3. Gary Pinkel's Time Out Strategy: If you didn't stay up until like 1:30 in the morning to watch last Friday night's Missouri v. Arizona State game, the game was tied 30-30 with seventeen seconds left in the fourth quarter and Mizzou had a fourth and five on the ASU 30. Pinkel brought out Senior kicker Grant Ressel to attempt the long field goal to take the lead. Hoping to draw the Sun Devil's offside, the Tigers let the play clock run down before calling a time out. Which was odd. Then, they did it again. Which was even odder. I'm not saying Pinkel "icing" his own kicker had any outcome on Ressel hitting a very difficult field goal. I'm just saying it was odd.
2. Albert Pujols: Two possible things to prepare yourselves for: 1) The last two weeks of Albert Pujols as a Cardinal, 2) The start of the most drawn out, over talked about contract negotiation in Saint Louis history. Both sound terrible.
1. Rams Rules
Is this the worst thing ever made? Yes. This is worse than Hitler. Congrats, Rams.
In the future, it may behoove the Rams to run these type of projects through some sort of peer review. And I hope that whoever was responsible with making this video was also in charge of making Bud Light the Official Beer of 9/11 last weekend just so I don't have to think that the two dumbest people in America live in Saint Louis, just one incredibly dumb person with too much responsibility.