Predicting Every St. Louis Rams Game In 2012

March 28, 2012; Palm Beach, FL, USA; St. Louis Rams head coach Jeff Fisher during the NFC head coaches media breakfast at the Breakers Hotel. Mandatory Credit: Steve Mitchell-US PRESSWIRE

The NFL released the St. Louis Rams' 2012 schedule this week. Let's predict every single game right now.

The NFL released the 2012 schedule last week. The St. Louis Rams were thankfully still considered an NFL team, so theirs was included as well. Let's take a look at what we're dealing with...

Week 1: Detroit Lions (A) - Matthew Stafford may be the best QB that can't stay on the field in the NFL, so the Rams getting him in Week 1 is the worst possible scenario. The former Georgia Bulldog is throwing the pill to Megatron, who might just be worth the first overall pick in your fantasy draft for this game alone. The Lions will be everyone's favorite pick to 'breakout' in 2012... LOSS (0-1)

Week 2: Washington Redskins (H) - He's coming to STL in all his glory, making half as much as Sammy Bradford with two years' less experience. Every single blogger will have the 'Did The Rams Make a Mistake Not Taking RGIII' story locked and loaded if the Rams can't pull out a win. Considering the No. 2 overall pick's best target had a marital melt-down on Twitter forcing the 'Skins to trade or release him, the Rams get by... WIN (1-1)

Week 3: Chicago Bears (A) - Jay Cutler brings the most punchable face in America to the table. But the real stars are the Chicago fans, when they take out all their frustrations for a Blues Stanley Cup and a St. Louis Cardinals World Series in this game... LOSS (1-2)

Week 4: Seattle Seahawks (H) - Much better uniforms, Seattle. Not much better players, Seattle. A coin flip of a game that could land either way, but the Rams are a much tougher team in 2012 than they were in 2011 and they handle the Seahawks at home... WIN (2-2)

Week 5: Arizona Cardinals (H) - Kurt Warner isn't walking through that door, people. And by Week 5, Salvation Army of Arizona will be taking collections for Larry Fitzgerald's therapist... WIN (3-2)

Week 6: Miami Dolphins (A) - The Dolphins were a much tougher out in 2011 than anyone expected. But they dumped Brandon Marshall and are counting on Reggie Bush taking it up a notch? Not happening... WIN (4-2)

Week 7: Green Bay Packers (H) - We will remember that 4-2 record fondly. If not, the 45,000 Packer fans at the EJD will remind us about it after the game... LOSS (4-3)

Week 8: New England Patriots (H*) - The on, then off, then back on London game that will be a home game, but not really, because London loves the Patriots. Whatever. The Rams are crossing six time zones to cash a check and take their whuppin'. Good to see the Rams embrace the college system of mercenary beatings for paydays... LOSS (4-4)

Week 9: BYE

Week 10: San Fransisco 49ers (A) - Alex Smith's hands are small. Very, very small. They're still big enough to beat the piss out of the Rams. Remember that 4-2 start? Neither do I... LOSS (4-5)

Week 11: New York Jets (H) - I have to believe that the Rams, by this point fading fast, make some sort of appeal to sell discounted tickets to Christian church groups and their chance to see Tim Tebow... LOSS (4-6)

Week 12: Arizona Cardinals (A) - Sometimes the best QB is the one you never knew you had in the first place. The guy taking snaps for the Cardinals by Week 12 will probably not start the season with the team. He'll be all over Sports Center by the time this game is over... LOSS (4-7)

Week 13: San Fransisco 49ers (H) - Remember when the 49ers sucked for a long time? We couldn't beat them then. So now that they're good? We're still not beating them... LOSS (4-8)

Week 14: Buffalo Bills (A) - Beauty is a December afternoon in the outskirts of Buffalo NY. Two below average teams meet for a game that makes FOX question if they really made a sound investment with this latest NFL package... WIN (5-8)

Week 15: Minnesota Vikings (H) - Loser moves to LA... WIN (6-8)

Week 16: Tampa Bay Bucs (A) - The hardest game on the schedule to predict. Were the Bucs of 2011 a deviance from the mean of 2010 or more of a baseline for 2012? We're already +4 on the wins for the season year over year... LOSS (6-9)

Week 17: Seattle Seahawks (A) - Remember when the Rams and Seahawks played that game the last week of the season in 2010 to see which team would go the playoffs? That feels like forever ago... LOSS (6-10)

Gaining four wins in 2012 wouldn't be cause for a parade down Market Street, but at the same time, it would put them in a position to improve again for 2013 and compete for a NFC West title.

Hopefully.

PLEASE?

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