Informal survey time: The St. Louis Rams' new secondary, starring Cortland Finnegan and Janoris Jenkins, is just about to face its first-ever regular-season challenge, and it's Calvin Johnson, which is kind of like being forced to start your game of Mortal Kombat against Shang Tsung. So--what will Johnson and Matthew Stafford combine to do against the Rams in Week 1 of Jeff Fisher's brave new world of professionalism and competence? I have four options for you.

1. <50 yards, no touchdowns. A statue of Cortland Finnegan is erected atop the Edward Jones Dome. St. Louis adopts Janoris Jenkins' kids as its own.

2. <75 yards, a touchdown. A moral victory. This is Calvin Johnson, and he only found the end zone once! Cortland Finnegan jerseys briefly outsell Greg Zuerlein jerseys on NFL.com.

3. >100 yards, >=one touchdown. Well, he's Calvin Johnson. Things could be much worse, and the Rams could still win, after all.

4. >150 yards, >=two touchdowns. Janoris Jenkins's kids by Calvin Johnson jerseys. The Rams' secondary waits until somebody not named Matthew Stafford is throwing the football to have its big breakout game.

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