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The Cardinals/Reds Brawl: It Was All A Misunderstanding

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Tuesday, August 10th. As Brandon Phillips approaches home plate...

[Editor's note: Tuesday's Cardinals-Reds brawl has consumed a lot of time and resources at SB Nation St. Louis headquarters. After a lot of time yelling "Enhance! Enhance!" at our geek-chic computer specialists, and a lot of furious typing while techno music played, Alex Fritz was able to get this transcript of what was really said during the melee. It turns out the whole thing was really just a misunderstanding.]

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Brandon Phillips

Sup, Yadi.

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Yadier Molina

Don't 'sup' me, we ain't boys.

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Ah, you aren't still mad about that, are you? Let me take my hat off in apology. I was simply trying to say ya'll were my dogs. You know, dogs, bitches.

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I see. So I will take my helmet off as a sign of forgiveness. HEY WHAT ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE DOING HERE.

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CHRIS CARPENTER!!!

YOU [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] SUCKING [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] I WILL TEAR YOUR [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] AND [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE][EXPLETIVE].

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WHOA. CHILL!

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Don't worry, he says that to everyone. That's how he says hello.

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Dusty Baker

Nobody talks to me that way!

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Jose Oquendo

Nobody talks to you, period.

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WHY THE [EXPLETIVE] ARE YOU IN 1988 TOPPS [EXPLETIVE] FORM, JOSE [EXPLETIVE]?

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It's the adrenaline. I get this way when I am angry. 

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Jim Edmonds

Well, I, for one, think that mustache is fabulous, Jose!

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Scott Rolen

I bet you do, Zima boy. Hey Carp, I'm surpised Edmonds didn't try to get traded to a team in California again, am I right?

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HIGH [EXPLETIVE] FIVE. WHY IS EVERYONE RUSHING US???

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Stop, guys! We are just giving each other a jocular high five!

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Jason LaRue

Must... kill... Cueto...

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Johnny Cueto

I'm the best... Around... No one's ever gonna keep me down... KICK!!!!

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My face! My precious face!

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You want to get some beers after this?

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[EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] YES [EXPLETIVE].

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I shouldn't have put Zima on my Cookie Crisp this morning...