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A Series Of Lists Of Things About Pedro Feliz

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So, the Cardinals traded for a third baseman with a .555 OPS and diminishing defensive skills. It's not that we don't love you you anymore... Listen, don't cry... Let us just sit down and talk about this, no?

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Non-Fictional People Who I'd Rather See Play Third Base For The Cardinals Over Pedro Feliz
Wilford Brimley
James K Polk
Ray Liotta

Fictional People Who I'd Rather See Play Third Base For The Cardinals Over Pedro Feliz
Mayor McCheese
Hurley from Lost
Steve Gutenberg

Dead Baseball Players Who I'd Rather See Their Reanimated Corpses Play Third Base For The Cardinals Over Pedro Feliz
Mel Ott
Eddie Stanky
Lave Cross

Characters From Night Court I'd Rather See Play Third Base For The Cardinals Over Pedro Feliz
Rosalind "Roz" Russell
Dan Fielding
Mel Torme

Inanimate Objects I'd Rather See Play Third Base For The Cardinals Over Pedro Feliz
A pile of vomit covered in that weird stuff my grade school janitor put on puke that smelled like Apple Jacks
A Hammock
A Vince Coleman Bobblehead
Vincecoleman_medium
Players With Better OPS's Than Pedro Feliz's .555
Cesar Izturis
Jose Lopez
Jason Kendall (by 68 points!)

Silver Lining! Top Three Similar Batters Through Their Age 34 Season, Per Baseball Reference
Scott Brosius - World Series Champion!
Scott Spiezio - World Series Champion!
Mike Pagliarulo - World Series Champion!

Things I Would Be Okay With Trading Away For Pedro Feliz
A half empty Orange Julius smoothie
The memory of Bob Horner, myself, and my mother having a very awkward encounter in the lobby of the Ballpark Marriott, circa 1988.
Pedro Feliz himself, stuck in a never-ending vortex of being traded

Things I Will Wish I Was Doing When Pedro Feliz Comes Up To Bat With Nobody On And The Cardinals Down By A Run In The Ninth Inning

Asking for help at a Home Depot
Listening to Nickleback
Offering fellatio for a hamburger at Eat Rite at three in the morning