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2011 Super Bowl: "Well, We Got To Skip The Pro Bowl"

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If you're a Green Bay Packers fan, feel free to imagine Mike Tomlin giving this Super Bowl valedictory to his dejected Pittsburgh Steelers; if you're a Steelers fan, put yourself in the head of Mike McCarthy. If you, like me, don't care at all about who wins the 2011 Super Bowl, imagine the stars of your least favorite commercial. (For me, it's the GoDaddy girls!)

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"Well, men. We fought, and we fought hard, but after Ben Roethlisberger [Aaron Rodgers] took that helmet-to-helmet-to-helmet hit and that reporter from the New Yorker pulled all our starters to write about how concussions are prematurely killing all of you it was only natural that we'd come into this fourth quarter down 48-14. But if Ben [Aaron] could form coherent sentences right now I know he wouldn't want you to get down on yourselves. He'd lift himself up off that hospital bed, point right at your hearts, and say: 'Well, men, at least we got to skip the Pro Bowl.'

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"And he'd be right. Sure, the GoDaddy girls [weirdly chauvinistic Miller hawt-chick bartender] [Geico gecko] outscored us in the third quarter, and sure, Troy Polamalu [B.J. Raji] turned coat at halftime and began doing the Raji [picking his hair out], but you have to remember just how lucky we are. 30 other NFL teams had to pretend they were excited about their teammates' expensed trips to Hawaii, but here we are, in Dallas, playing an actual football game. And nobody'll ever be able to take not appearing in the Pro Bowl away from us. 

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So get out there, men [men from Green Bay], and win one for the people who are still trying to figure out who won in the game they played last Sunday. It's what Ben [Aaron] [Danica Patrick] would have wanted." 

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