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The Return of The Saint Louis Zombie Cardinals: Eating Derek Lilliquist


Early Wednesday morning, down three games to two in the World Series to the Texas Rangers, the Saint Louis Cardinals gather in their locker room for a closed door meeting with the coaches and general manager to discuss their strategy for a do or die game six.

"You guys remember when we were down two games to one to the Phillies and we came back to win the series? How'd you get yourself prepared to do that?" Asked manager Tony La Russa.

"I did some extra stretching, went over some tape," answered game four's starting pitcher Edwin Jackson.

"Took an extra round of BP with Mac," said Skip Schumaker, who had a multi-hit game.

"What about you, Dave, what did you do?" La Russa asked David Freese, who had four RsBI in game four.

"I murdered and ate Nate Grimm," said Freese.

"Um... that guy from that website?" asked hitting coach Mark McGwire.

"Yeah, Arthur Rhodes poached him in butter with some sage leaves in the whirlpool. He was delicious."

"Ooooookkkkkaaaaaayyyyy.... Carp, what did you do before game five?" Queried La Russa.

"I brutally murdered some hobos," noted Carpenter as he pointed to a pile of bindles in the corner.

"And did you eat them?" Asked pitching coach Dave Duncan.

"No, that's disgusting."

"I did, though," Jason Motte piped in. "Arthur smoked them low and slow over over apple wood. Delicious."

"Jesus Christ," La Russa replied, "how many people did you guys murder to win the NLCS?"

"Damn near half the population of Door County," answered Schumaker.

"So, you're all zombies now?" Asked general manager John Mozeliak.

Every player in the locker room nodded in agreement, sans Carpenter. "I'm just a psychopath," Carpenter explained.

Mo looks pensive. "Have you eaten anyone lately?"

"No, sir," answered center fielder Jon Jay. "Ever since we made the World Series, Saint Louis police is making the city all safe and stuff and Carp can't go on his patented murder binges."

"So we'll have to keep this in house," notes Mozeliak. "If only we had a sacrificial lamb."

Rhodes rises to his feet. "Lamb, huh? Pujols, get some pitas. Holliday, make some tzatziki. Garcia, get some onions and lettuce. I'm making gyros... Or should I say, 'Liliqueros..."

"Liliqueros... that sounds funny," chuckled Cardinals bullpen coach Derek Lilliquist. "Hey... wait a minute!"

/CUT TO BLACKPreviously on Saint Louis Zombie Cardinals