Super Bowl Commercials: Your Budweiser-Miller-Coors Scorecard

With the St. Louis Rams out of the playoffs some of us in the neither-Green-Bay-nor-Pittsburgh area will be tuned into Sunday's game for the Super Bowl commercials, if for no other reason than to have something to complain about to other people the next day. As someone with some experience in this area, I have devised a scorecard for all your Budweiser, Miller, Coors, or otherwise-beer-dreched ad-watching needs. Every time one of these things happen, drink something that's not a beer!

Category one: Hot girl with normative opinions. Every time a hot bartender tells some guy that he's not being enough of a dude unless he throws down a taste-explosive can of Beer Light, drink an Ecto Cooler-flavored box of Hi-C. (You may need to check eBay!) Every time a hot chick takes a look at a bro's inferior taste in clothing, pop your collar and down an ice-cold, always-chillfreshing can of Fresca. (If the clothing is somehow girlish, like a purse or tight pants, make it a peach-flavored Fresca.) If any of these girls are wearing a bikini, put on a bikini, and have the nearest hot girl at your Super Bowl party look askance at you because you, clearly, aren't man enough for her. Because of the beer you drink.

Category two: Sociopathic beer ingenuity. If a bunch of totally chill bros invent something to make beer-delivery easier, but only in a Rube Goldbergian sort of way, write a research paper about Thomas Edison. If they neglect their hot but kind of uncool girlfriends in the course of doing it, write a short story about Thomas Edison in which his secret homosexuality is the driving force that leads him to invent the phonograph, which he originally calls the "straightdudeograph." If the chill bros invent something called the "straightdudeograph", which dispenses beer, turn off the television. 

If the chill bros create something out of beer that shouldn't be made out of beer, write a research paper about George Washington Carver. If they invent a time machine (possibly made out of empties) because their beer is getting warm in the future, than Super Bowl commercials are really just manifestations of my own angst and fear, and my worst solipsistic worries are confirmed, and just try to do something that I'm not thinking about. You can't, because—because you're me, and I'm me, and my god, everybody is me. 

Category three: Talking or sentimental animals. If a bunch of animals talk, maybe about beer, or help to deliver beer and then shed quiet, American tears, prepare to receive a bunch of e-mails from your grandparents with huge WMV or RealVideo attachments.