I don’t think there’s any more hopeless company, marketing-wise, than Skechers—purview of the men and women who mistake correlation with causation with Skechers-wearing in all things success—and their Super Bowl commercial is no exception. In it a predictably attractive woman dumps her predictably attractive personal trainer for—Skechers Shape-Ups, weird-looking, gimmicky shoes that will do nothing except cause back pain. It’s the latest in the grand tradition of those ads where a bunch of guys start talking about their Skechers as the ultimate heterosexual aphrodisiac.
So, fourth-quarter-watching women of America: You, too, can be perfectly proportioned and sweat in a really aesthetically pleasing way, if only you stop exercising and begin walking around in shoes that make you step forward like Rod Carew. I’m glad I could pass that tip along.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to beat Skechers at its own game by creating ever-wobblier footwear. It comes naturally to me; I’m a serious pronator, so I make a pair of what amount to Shape-Ups every six months. I hope you like Converse All-Stars, maybe a size 13, mostly black.