Dear Final Four: Game Times are, admittedly, a touchy subject. Nobody wants to move theirs for somebody else; nobody wants to go first or last if there’s some perceived slight there. But 5:00 CDT, sirs? Calling at this hour is simply unconscionable. VCU vs. Butler may be the finest upset special in years, but that’s no excuse to interrupt our family time with your, your dribbling and your esoteric seeding practices.
Champ, pass the broccoli. Thank you. What bothers me about this—no, I will tell him, dear, I must—is that you won’t be done afterward. After monopolizing our conversation like that for hours, and this on the day Sophie was bumped up to accelerated reading, weren’t you, you’ll just start up the Kentucky vs. UConn game at 7:49. Now, I realize we’re just flyover country to you people, but here in flyover country we have a certain reverence for polite, family conversation around the dinner table. Perhaps that’s something they oughtn’t fly over at all, right dear?
So if you’ll excuse me, Champ, here, has some things to tell us about his algebra class. Go on, Champ, floor is yours. I’ll show you to the door, 2011 NCAA Tournament. Or can you see yourself out?