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A while ago SB Nation suggested I start doing an NFL picks column. "Done and done," I said, "but I don't know very much about football, but I guess I want to hang out with you guys during the draft, but so—holy crap, the draft is tomorrow!"
They hung up—something about getting back to their flex-spot spreadsheets—but it'll be okay, right? I'll just—they have stuff for this at the grocery store, right? Like a book? So, uh, with the first pick in, ah, the league name I'm sorry I forgot it, here's NFL Picks Week 1, I Forgot My Fantasy Football Draft Was Tomorrow edition.
Seattle Seahawks 14 at Arizona Cardinals 10. Oh man, there's a Cardinals football team, too? Ha, ha. Um, Kevin Kolb—oh, like Cob?—he's not good anymore, Google says, and so the guy they're playing at quarterback, he's pretty terrible, so I won't take him.
Tavar—Tarva—oh, Russell Wilson, he's not great either, but the Cardinals, they're, like, super bad. Right? Oh, it's my turn. Running backs first, really?
San Francisco 49ers 10 at Green Bay Packers 24. Aaron Rodgers! I'm taking Aaron Rodgers. Discount double-check, man. Was he right after Brett Favre?
Alex Smith is a pretty boring name. I remember Frank Gore, though, and he's good, but the Packers, man. Cheeseheads. Cheese on the head. Man.
St. Louis Rams 17 at Detroit Lions 28. I really liked Kurt Warner, you guys. I thought the Lions were bad, but it turns out they're really good? And the Rams, you guys haven't been to the TWA Dome in years, right? I always liked it there when the Elvis guy on the video board would do the pelvis thrust thing. You know, like—with the—I mean, he did it better than I can.
And Marshall Faulk and all that. But now, like, Sam Bradford is hurt or something? And the Rams are terrible pretty much all the time.
So, yeah, um, J—Jahvid Best, sure. I'll take him. Do we have some snacks or something?
Falcons over Chiefs, Eagles over Browns, Texans over Dolphins, Vikings over Jaguars, Saints over Redskins, Bills over Jets, Patriots over Titans, Panthers over Buccaneers, Broncos over Steelers, Ravens over Bengals, Chargers over Raiders.