It's the time of year, already—the time of year where we all remember how funny Seinfeld was, and celebrate or pretend to celebrate a holiday that exists exclusively in an episode of same. With that in mind, I think there's no better way of celebrating such a fake holiday than by co-opting one of its real fake tenets. Here, then, is a St. Louis sports airing of grievances.
↵For one thing—I'm pissed off at Albert Pujols, Albert Pujols's agents, and the St. Louis Cardinals! You guys! I've been waiting to here about a contract extension since about three months after Pujols signed his last one, the seven-year, $100 million deal that is even today the second-largest contract in team history. How hard is it to get together and ask for some numbers? As of the Winter Meetings the two sides had agreed to talk about talking at a later date, which is just about the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I'd ask Pujols to participate in the Feats of Strength, but I'm not ready for that—John Mozeliak, though, I could take that guy.
↵And how about you, hockey gods! Is there anybody left on the St. Louis Blues for you to concuss? Now that T.J. Oshie has finally found all the pieces to his ankle are you going to slap him upside the helmet? I'm not sure what the Blues, among the most unassuming teams in the NHL, did to deserve all this, but I'm not enjoying it. As you rain blows upon them, please try to remember the reason for the season.
↵And finally, how about Danario Alexander's knee? While Danny Amendola appears to be made of Festivus Pole-grade aluminum—he has a very high catches-to-weight ratio—Danario Alexander's knee has all the legitimacy of the Human Fund. I wouldn't be surprised, at this point, if Alexander was a fictional character created by George Costanza to funnel money into his own bank account.
↵But it's not Festivus if there are no Festivus miracles to celebrate, and I have this one to offer: It's Festivus, and the St. Louis Rams remain in playoff contention.
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