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In Which Bill And Ted Discuss The Saint Louis Sports Scene At KSDK

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Welcome back to The Pit on Don Brown's Sports Extra here on KSDK. Joining us from is Jeff Gordon and from KMOX is Kevin Wheeler. Also in studio are Ted Logan and Bill Preston, who we are letting on air because Billy the Kid is threatening our lives and President Lincoln says it is the emancipating thing to do.

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"I ain't getting in no motherf$%king phone booth."  (Photo by Jim Rogash/Getty Images)
"I ain't getting in no motherf$%king phone booth." (Photo by Jim Rogash/Getty Images)
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Rene Knott: Gentleman, welcome to The Pit... The big question in Saint Louis this week is whether or not the Rams should have signed troubled wide receiver Randy Moss. They chose not to... Was that the right choice?

Kevin Wheeler: It was the wrong choice and here is why: In the NFL you have a very short window of opportunity and no guarantees that window will ever open again. The Rams have just endured YEARS of dismal performances and at four and four this season, have a real shot at the playoffs. When the opportunity presents itself to strengthen your team at it's weakest position -- in this case wide receiver -- you take that chance, character flaws be damned. If he acts out,  you cut him, simple as that. If he doesn't, you have a game-changing wide receiver for the next eight games. It was a classic low risk, high reward pickup and the Rams balked.

Jeff Gordon: I couldn't disagree more. This is a Rams team which is young and is just now learning to win on its own. The last thing the team needs is a diva wide receiver not giving one hundred percent. The coaching staff does not know how to deal with distractions in the locker room and the experiment would not have ended well. Every other team in the league passed on Moss for a reason, too. The Rams did well here.

Bill S Preston, ESQ: While I agree that in time the Rams will be most triumphant, the truth is the Rams will never be a super team until we have a Randy Moss at wide receiver.

Ted "Theodore" Logan: Yes, Bill, but I do not believe we will get a Randy Moss until we have triumphant uniforms.
Bill: Ted, it's pointless to have triumphant uniforms we don't even have a decent crowd.
Ted: Well—how can we have decent crowd when we really don't even have a wide reciever?

Bill: That is why we need Randy Moss.
Ted: And that is why we need triumphant uniforms.

Both: Excellent!! (Air Guitar.)

Rene: Ohhhhhhkaaaaaay. Moving on to Cardinals talk, it was rumored last weekend that the Chicago White Sox would be interested in trading outfielder Carlos Quentin to Saint Louis for center fielder Colby Rasmus... Is this something which should interest John Mozeliak and the Cardinals front office?

Jeff Gordon:

"Something must be done to change the team chemistry. Trading Colby Rasmus is an obvious option. If the Cardinals move him, they must fill another need – like one of the middle infield spots – by getting a similarly productive/promising player in return. If the Cardinals add a [sic] signficant offensive player at second base, for instance, Skip Schumaker could move back to center field. Jon Jay can play center field, too. The Cards cannot subtract an impact hitter without adding one in exchange. This team has to come out of spring training with more offense, not less." *

Kevin Wheeler:

"Talks of other teams having interest in an ascending talent like Rasmus shouldn’t be surprising, especially with other teams having read the reports about the aforementioned “friction.” ...

Last offseason Detroit traded Curtis Granderson to the Yankees in a three-way deal that landed them an AL Rookie of the Year candidate (CF Austin Jackson), a No. 3 starter (St. Louisan Max Scherzer), a valuable left-handed reliever (Phil Coke) and a younger left-handed reliever who throws in the mid 90’s (Daniel Schlereth). ...

Colby’s value has to be significantly higher than Granderson’s was given that the Cardinals CF is five years younger, is cost-controlled for years and has more upside than the Yankees’ CF. In short, you’d need an impact bat and two other valuable pieces (for both the short and long term) to get fair value for Rasmus."*

(* These were literal answers taken from earlier this week. I'd just like to point out how one person's answer is well thought out, researched, reasonable, non-speculative, and articulate... and the others is Jeff Gordon's.)

Ted: Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.

Bill: Get outta here! Bogus. Heinous. Most non-triumphant. Oh, Colby, don't be traded, dude. (John Mozeliak enters the studio) You traded Colby, you medieval dickweed! Ahhh!

Ted: Whoa, dude, nobody has been traded!

Bill: Sorry. Now to discuss the Colby Rasmus situation further... Doctor Sigmund Freud!

(Colby Rasmus lies on a gurney. Freud is analyzing him.)

Freud: Therefore, M. Rasmus's father's own fear of failure has caused him to make his son the embodiment of his own deepest anxieties about himself. And, hence, the aggression transference onto M. Rasmus.

(Colby sits up.)

Colby: Whoa!

(Freud lays him back down.)

Freud: Okay, M. Rasmus?

Colby : Yes, thank you very dangole much Sigmund Freud.

(Freud motions for Bill to lie on the gurney.)

Bill: Nah! I just got a minor Oedipal complex.

Rene: And with, um, that... we will move on to our last topic: Albert Pujols made it apparent in an interview with USA Today that he would like to sign a long time-contract with the Cardinals this offseason. What will it take to get that done?

Jeff Gordon: If it is less than eight years, I'll be surprised and if it is less than $30 million a year, I would be surprised. I think eight years with two mutual options for a total of 10 years and $300 million would get the deal done.

Kevin Wheeler: I don't see the Cardinals needing to go ten years, but an eight year, $200 million contract would be more than fair. I could also see them going short-term, as in four years, $120 million, so Pujols is still able to score one more big contract if he is still producing at the age of 34.

Ted: I'm glad you mentioned this... I think Rufus should be arriving soon...

(Lightning flashes, a phone booth drops into the studio)

Bill: That was most unprecedented, Rufus.

Rufus (to John Mozeliak): Sir, I'm here to help you with signing Albert Pujols.

Bill: Listen to this dude Rufus. He knows what he's talking about.

Mozeliak: I....uhhhhh...

Rufus: The Albert Pujols extension is important, Mo. It is the foundation for our whole society.

Mozeliak: No waaaayyyy...

Rufus: Yes way... If you don't sign Albert Pujols it will be disastrous for life as we know it. You see, eventually that contract will help put an end to war and poverty. It will align the planets and bring them into universal harmony. Allowing meaningful contact with all forms of life, from extra terrestrials to common household pets. And, it's excellent for dancing.

Mo: A contract is excellent for dancing?

Rufus: Yes.

Lincoln: Be excellent to each other, and... PARTY ON DUDES!

Rene: And that concludes the weirdest ten minutes on KSDK since Mike Bush asked Cindy Preszler if there were "blumpkins" in the forecast. Good night.