January 29th
Former Saint Louis Rams QB Kurt Warner officially announces his retirement from the National Football League, saying "there's no place in the NFL for a guy my age, especially one that doesn't send random women pictures of his dick like a sex offender."
February 18th
During the team's first full workout, Saint Louis Cardinals rookie hitting coach Mark McGwire leaves the batting cage in a fit of rage and confusion after it took light-hitting outfielders over an hour to reach McGwire's newly installed quota of a hundred dingers every batting practice. Somehow Amaury Marti was able to do it on the first pitch.
March 13th
After a winter of sobriety, Kyle Lohse gets back off the wagon. The European motocross wagon.
April 22nd
Oklahoma Sooners Quarterback Sam Bradford is drafted number one overall by the Rams. It's kind of like when Jesus was born, except better.
May 3rd
Bernie Miklasz of the Saint Louis Post-Dispatch writes:
"It's May 3 on the calendar, and the Cardinals are only 25 games into the schedule. But I'd like to submit this question: In the National League Central, who can take this team down?Seriously, unless the Chicago Cubs start putting together some long winning streaks, this race could turn into Secretariat at the 1973 Belmont. A horse named "Sham" tried to get out and run with Secretariat but couldn't hang on. Secretariat won by 31 lengths. The Cubs, Brewers, Reds, Pirates and Astros might want to go to youtube.com and watch what happened to poor Sham.
After a 6-1 home stand, the Cardinals are 17-8 and have a 4 1/2-game lead in the mediocre Central. That is, by far, the biggest lead by a first-place team in the majors. And what will change? Unless the Cardinals are struck by catastrophic injuries, I don't see how the five Shams keep pace."
Thanks, Bern.
June 1st
Zombie Aaron Miles becomes undead and makes his season debut with the Cardinals. This guy is like the personification of the wave: Cardinal fans either love him or hate him, but both sides agree that he'd probably look like a lesbian if he ever shaved that goatee.
July 16th
Cardinals General manager John Mozeliak signs a three year extension with the team. This move is generally well liked by the fanbase...
July 31st
John Mozeliak trades right fielder Ryan Ludwick for starting pitcher Jake Westbrook. OMG FIRE JOHN MOZELIAK RIGHT FREAKING NOW, DEWALLET!!!!!!!
August 10th
The Cardinals respond to Cincinnati Reds second baseman Brandon Phillips complaining about how the Cardinals complain too much by complaining. Later, Johnny Cueto ends Jason LaRue with a kick to the face. The Cardinals go on to sweep the series with the Reds and pull into first place in the National League Central.
Clearly, this is the spark the Cardinals needed to make a run.
September 1st
The Cardinals are eight games back of the Cincinnati Reds.
October 3rd
The Rams defeat the Seattle Seahawks, already doubling the Rams' win total from the 2009 season. At 2-2, the road to the playoffs is clear: Play .500 ball and make sure NFL Commisioner Roger Goodell does not trade the NFC West to the SEC for their Western division.
November 25th
Following a family dinner which he later described as "too quiet", Tony Rasmus takes a bottle of Early Times whiskey with him to the batting cage and ponders how he can cause a distraction and "get people all riled up! Really get my name out there!" After a few dozen cuts in the cage and a few dozen pulls off the bottle, it hits him. "Imma gonna say (hiccup) La Loser told Clobby to be more like Schip Skumaker!"
The plan is later executed to complete perfection. You win again, Tony Rasmus!
December 22nd
The Missouri Basketball Tigers turn a close game against Illinois into a laugher in under nine seconds as Illini center Mike Tisdale commits one of the dumbest fouls ever and Illini head Coach Bruce Weber just loses his shit, which is completely out of character for him... Mizzou keeps their Busch Braggin' Rights for another year, as the rest of the country wonders why two schools of higher learning find it acceptable to play a game sponsored by a company that willingly drops its "G"s.
Coming Up Next Year:
- The Rams make the playoffs!
- The Rams set a record for most lopsided loss in NFL playoff history!
- Something happens with the Blues!
- Tony La Russa does something which he should be fired for, according to the internet and Kevin Slaten!
- Dan Caesar spills the beans on just how Charlie Tuna keeps getting a radio show!
- Sam Bradford admits he's the guy who cured SARS!
- Al Hrabosky is indicted for arson!
And much more!