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A St. Louis Cardinals Winter Warm-Up Press Conference

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The St. Louis Cardinals' Winter Warm-Up goes south in a hurry when Al Hrabosky and Tony La Russa get involved.

The most popular Saint Louis Cardinals players, coaches, and front office members assemble for a press conference to take questions from their biggest fans.

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Al Hrabosky:

Good afternoon from the Saint Louis Hyatt Regency—this is Al Hrabosky for Fox Sports Midwest reporting live as we get ready for the this Question-and-Answer interaction with the Saint Louis Cardinals and their fans. Lets start it out with this eager young man!

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Young boy:
Mr Mozeliak, what are your feelings about Kyle Lohse heading into spring training?

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John Mozeliak:

My main feeling is anger, with a touch of sorrow. Ignorance. Regret. Is duped a feeling? God, I'm so insecure. Why? I don't blame you, Kyle...but why? Why did you bring this up? Look what you did you little jerk!

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WHATEVER!

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Okay... next question... yes, you sir...

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Jeff Gordon:

Mo, Have you considered Sam Bradford to back up David Freese at third base?

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No, but if he's willing to come down, we can take a look at his skills at second base. Anyone can play there.

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Skip Schumaker:

What the hell, Mo?

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Quiet before I replace you with that effeminate kid from earlier.

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YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS, BITCHESSSSSSSSSSSSSS

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Okay, yes, you sir!

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Random Person:

Mister La Russa, who would be the ideal leadoff candidate for this year's team?

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Tony La Russa:

You look pretty gritty. How do you feel about spreadsheets?

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Never heard of them, sir.

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Sir! That's what Eckstein used to call me! I guess you'll be leading off for us! Mo... Sign him up!

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Tony...

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Do it, Assbag. You know who I am.

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Fine. Random farmer, you take Miles' spot.

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Oh he's more than that. He's like Miles, Suppan, Winn, and Feliz combined. 

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So the first time I contemplate suicide is at a press conference in front of a few hundred Cardinals fans. This is just where I saw my life going. 

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Okay... that got dark, real fast... our... um... next question, yes, you sir...

(Al Hrabosky disappears behind a column; this man appears on the other side.)

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Strange man:

Hi, I was hoping Colby Rasmus could address how he hopes to cut down on his strikeout total this season.

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Colby Rasmus:

Dangolegoaboutmygameandplaywithinmydangoleself.

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What about how much of a jerk you are?

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Areyouwearingadangolewig?

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No.

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Yes. I'm sorry. Next question!

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Random Lady

I have a question for Chris Carpenter... does this dress make me look fat?

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CHRIS CARPENTER:

THE [BEEP]-ING [BEEP] [BEEP] PAGER ON YOUR [BEEP] DRESS MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A [BEEP] [BEEP] IDIOT. BUT, NO, YOU DO NOT LOOK [BEEP}-ING FAT.

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And with that, we throw it up to Jimmy "The Cat" Hayes with another round of "Cat Fight!"