There are many ways to predict the outcome of a baseball game. All of them are worthless. Here are ours, ahead of Game 5 of the NLDS between the St. Louis Cardinals and Philadelphia Phillies:
Starting pitchers Career Postseason Records:
Saint Louis: Chris Carpenter: 260 Batters face, 5.9 K/9, 1.82 K/BB, 8.7 H/9.
Philadelphia: Roy Halladay: 111 Batters faced, 8.4 K/9, 7.0 K/BB, 5.1 H/9.
Conclusion: Holy crap Roy Halladay is good. Also, his full name is Harry Leroy Halladay, which sounds like someone who was the head roadie for the Allman Brothers back in '73.
Final score: Phillies 3, Cardinals 1.
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Sitcoms based in their respective cities:
Saint Louis: The John Larroquette Show
The plot, as described by Wikipedia:
The show revolved around John Hemingway, a recovering alcoholic newly appointed to the role of night shift manager of the St. Louis bus depot.
Much of the show revolved around John's attempts to stay sober. John constantly struggled to keep control of the station, with regular conflicts with his secretary, Mahalia, the janitor, Heavy Gene, and most strongly with sandwich bar attendant, Dexter, who had been turned down for the position that John was appointed. Sexual tension happened with prostitute Carly.
An alcoholic -- managing a bus station -- who is attracted to a hooker. That sums up the city of Saint Louis nicely.
Philadelphia: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
In a very crowded field, this is the best comedy on TV right now.
Conclusion: Considering living in Saint Louis proves that life is stranger than fiction, there's never been a decent TV show set here. It's Always Sunny pulled it off in tremendous fashion.
Final Score: Phillies 9, Cardinals 0.
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Musicians:
Saint Louis: Chuck Berry, Miles Davis, Michael McDonald, Chingy, Nelly, various Saint Lunatics, Scott Joplin, Ike & Tina Turner, Akon, Jeff Tweedy, Jay Farrar
Philadelphia: Frankie Avalon, Jim Croce, John Coltrane, Teddy Pendergrass, Oates & Oates, Boyz II Men, Dr Dog, Disco Biscuits, Harold Melvin & The Blue Notes, The Roots, Ween, Black Thought, Will Smith, DJ Jazzy Jeff, Eve, G Love.
Conclusion: This is like a heavyweight slugfest. Saint Louis throws a huge right hook with Miles Davis, Philly counters with a John Coltrane uppercut. Philly attacks with some Hall & Oates Yacht Rock, Saint Louis goes right back with the king of Yacht Rock, Michael McDonald. Saint Louis had Uncle Tupelo and the main vision behind Wilco, Philly has Ween. Ike & Tina; Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff. Philly finally KOs Saint Louis though, as Nelly and the Lunatics are no match for The Roots. They didn't even have to deploy Jim Croce or Frankie Avalon.
Final Score: Phillies 8, Cardinals 5
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Food:
Saint Louis: Toasted ravioli, pork steaks, bad pizza, frozen custard
Philadelphia: Cheesesteaks
Conclusion: Cheesesteaks are delicious.
Final Score: Phillies 4, Cardinals 2
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Actors:
Saint Louis: Jon Hamm, Scott Bakula, Mark Linn-Baker, Redd Foxx, Shelley Winters, Kevin Nealon, Vincent Price, Linda Blair, Kevin Kline, John Goodman, Bob Guillaume.
Philadelphia: Kevin Bacon, The Barrymores, Bill Cosby, Grace Kelly, Sly Stallone, Henry Gibson.
Conclusion: Saint Louis is the home of both Benson and Cousin Larry. Not to mention Dr Sam Beckett. I have never been prouder of this city.
Final Score: Cardinals 5, Phillies 3.
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Squirrels:
Saint Louis: Just fucking overrun with the damned things, apparently.
Philadelphia: Has them, but does not allow them to play for the Phillies.
Conclusion: What's with all the squirrels lately? I blame the Democrats.
Final Score: Cardinals 8, Phillies 4.
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Records on Getaway Days in the Last Two Months:
Saint Louis: 11-0.
Philadelphia: 5-6.
Conclusion: Since Rafael Furcal arrived, the Cardinals have not had a sad flight. Nothing but happy flights.
Final Score: Cardinals 11, Phillies 5.
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Movies:
Saint Louis: The Great Saint Louis Bank Robbery, Meet Me in Saint Louis, The Spirit of Saint Louis, One Night at McCool's.
Philadelphia: Rocky (all six of them), Philadelphia, lots of others.
Conclusion: Nobody makes movies set in Saint Louis anymore.
Final Score: Phillies 12, Cardinals 1.
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Mascots Playing Saxophones:
Saint Louis:
Philadelphia:
Conclusion: I could not find a video of the Phanatic playing a saxophone. What the hell kind of lazy mascot is he/she?
Final Score: Cardinals 1, Phillies 0
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Overall Conclusion: Roy Halladay is a better pitcher than Chris Carpenter. Philadelphia is a bigger, better city than Saint Louis. Fredbird Plays a mean sax. Benson is from Saint Louis! Benson!
Final Score: Cardinals 3, Phillies 2.