ST. LOUIS CARDINALS/1990'S ROCK BANDS POWER RANKINGS
1. Cortisone Shots. One week Lance Berkman can't even play the sport, the next he's hitting 450 foot bombs. All hail drugs! (Last Week: Not Ranked)
2. Smashing Pumpkins. Historically underrated? With the adulation their contemporaries now receive, I say yes. (LW: 8)
3. 101 ESPN's Creepy Fascination With Getting Rid of Colby Rasmus. We get it: he doesn't dive enough or look like he cares. He's also 24 years old and awesome. We're not trading him for Heath Bell. (LW: 7)
4. SARS. After all of the random, weird injuries and ailments so far this season, we all know what comes next: A SARS outbreak limited to the Cardinals' clubhouse. (LW: NR)
5. Albert Pujols's Home Run Binge. While I do not approve of Albert's new binge and purge method of compiling stats, and doubt it is healthy for his long term health, I do enjoy the binges. (LW: NR)
6. Weezer. Blue albulm only. (LW: 3)
7. Jon Jay. Best 4th outfielder in the National League? I vote yes. Also, Jon Jay would have made a good 1990s band name. (LW: NR)
8. Better Than Ezra. (LW: 2)
9. Spacehog. (LW: NR)
10. Ryan Theriot's Now Finished Hit Streak. Worst 20-game hit streak ever. (LW: 9)
Off the board: Matt Holliday's Bounce-back-bility (1), Jamie Garcia's Groove (4), Pearl Jam (5), Allen Craig: Superstar (6), Oasis (10)
Honorable Mention: Ezra.
The Cardinals pitching staff as movies from the 1980s starring Tom Hanks
Tom Hanks made 12 movies in the 1980s. The Cardinals have 12 pitchers on their 25-man roster. This one writes itself.
Dragnet - Chris Carpenter. Carp would make a badass cop.
Turner & Hooch - Kyle Lohse. It's Kyle Lohse and an incorrigible dog. Win, win.
The Man with One Red Shoe - Jaime Garcia. Shoe, glove, whatevs.
The 'burbs - Jake Westbrook. Mild mannered Jake Westbrook just wanted to take a week off of work, drink a couple hundred beers, and watch the ballgame. He forgot one thing: He had neighbors.
Splash - Fernando Salas. Yes, that's right: Fernando Salas has a creepy fish fetish.
Potential TV shows starring the Cardinals' most recent draft picks:
Kolten's Wong: [V-CHIP BLOCK ACTIVATED] (TV:MA)
Dirty Martinis: Nick Martini stars as "Nick Martini" who, after being released from Cliched State Prison after being framed for murder one, moves back home to work with his uncle, Giuseppe Martini IV, to run the family bar and clean up New Bedford Falls from the corrupt Potter administration... MARTINI STYLE.
You Have The Right To Remain... Dead: Ryan Sherriff and Danny Miranda star as "Ryan Sherriff" and "Danny Miranda," the only two clean detectives left in the San Francisco police department, circa 1979. They mix it up with their boss, Sargent Corruption, as well as Steve Kingpin, a local drug lord. They may ruffle a few feathers, but they get results... Sexy results.