[Editor's note: Tony La Russa, the manager of the St. Louis Cardinals who has been known since George F. Will first discovered him as The Genius, is often asked to consult for other teams. Most of this work is highly confidential, but Alex Fritz has managed to cut through the red tape and secure this exclusive interview.]
Saint Louis Blues:
Tony La Russa: Davis Payne and I are good friends, so I won't do anything to mess with his lineup. I would make one change, though: No more ice skates. If you're the only team in the league wearing sneakers, the rest of the league has to adapt to you.
Saint Louis Rams:
Offense:
RT - Aaron Miles
RG - Adam Goldberg
C - Jason Brown
LG - Jacob Bell
LT - David Eckstein
TE - Michael Hoomanawanui
TE - Daniel Fells
TE - Marmaduke
FB - Steven Jackson
HB - Sam Bradford
QB - Jeff Lynne
TE LT LG C RG RT TE
TE FB
HB
QB
TLR: I've got my two little pitbulls -- figurative pitbulls -- Miles and Eckstein as the outside linemen. The rest I think speaks for itself. One thing I do want to shake up, though, is putting the halfback in front of the quarterback, so he takes the snaps. But get this: The halfback is Sam Bradford—so the defense won't know if he's running, throwing, or handing it back the the quarterback, Jeff Lynne. Yes, the lead singer of Electric Light Orchestra. You don't think a 63-year-old Traveling Willbury should be in the NFL? I'd like to manage against you. Oh, and no wide receivers. Lynne is going to need all the blocking he can get. Also, Marmaduke the cartoon dog is playing tight end.
Defense:
T - Fred Robbins
LB - James Laurinaitis
LB - David Vobora
CB - Ron Bartell
CB - Bradley Fletcher
CB - Kevin Dockery
CB - Justin King
CB - Vince Coleman
CB - Quincy Butler
SS - Craig Dahl
FS - Jim Edmonds
T
CB LB LB CB
CB CB
CB CB
SS
FS
TLR: Got the big man up front and the two 'backers to take care of the line. The rest of the field is open for the fast guys. Just wish Ron LeFlore would return my calls. But I got Vince in there -- he really needs a job -- and Edmonds is just going to be in the end-zone on every play. Jimmy may not be the best free safety in the league, but, you know, tied for first.
Miami Heat:
TLR: You ever see that Air Bud movie? That dog's got moves! Give me Wade, LeBron, Bosh, Supernintedo Chalmers, and a golden retriever and I'll go to war with that team. YOU THINK AIR BUD ISN'T GOING TO DRAIN THREES?!
US Mens Soccer team:
TLR: Got a big match against Mexico this weekend. BIGGGG match. So, Rui Xu from the KC Sporties and I got to thinking. We're going to go two goalies, nine forwards. We lose a little bit on defense with all that offense up top, but that's why we have two goalies: Tim Howard and the reanimated corpse of Giant Gonzalez.