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The St. Louis Cardinals 'Burbspen: Part One

NARRATOR: Jahn Mozeayleeak is home for the allstars break, to, en 'is words 'listen to tha ball gang, dring a couple hundreed beers, you know, relax, mang.' He don't know eet, but 'is vacations 'ill be cut short by a wacky casta characters."

[SCENE: John Mozeliak watches out his front window as Tony La Russa's dog poops in Dave Duncan's yard. Duncan, tired of Queenie going to the bathroom on his yard, tears down the street after La Russa, who has gone inside. In the distance we hear Duncan yell "La Russa! I know you're in there. That scum-sucking, barking rat of yours has just taken his last dump on my lawn. I find one more- just one- and I'm gonna catch him and staple his ass shut!" Mozeliak closes the blinds, chuckling to himself. Behind him, Jeff Luhnow cooks breakfast.]

Luhnow: What's so funny?

Mozeliak: La Russa's dog just took a dump on Duncan's yard.

[Mozeliak looks through his kitchen to see Lance Berkman in his backyard with a BB Gun. He rushes outside to see what is the matter, narrowly avoiding a BB to the head.]

Berkman: Oh, hey Mo! What, you guys eating in there?!?

[Berkman joins Mozeliak, Luhnow, and Colby Rasmus, at the breakfast table]

Berkman, eating a rack of ribs and a pineapple: Hey, whats with all those crows since those new neighbors of yours moved in, anyway? Franklin, Bautista sure moved out of there in an awful hurry.

Mozeliak: Oh, the new bullpen guys? Sanchez and Salas. I haven't had a chance to talk to them.

Berkman: Salas? What kind of name is that, anyway?

Mozeliak: Slavic?

Berkman:I don't even remember seeing a new van unloading their gear. What's their deal?

Rasmus: There are three of them. I saw them last night from my dang ole window.

Mozeliak: Last night? What were they doing?

Rasmus: They were dang ole digging.

Berkman: Digging? Kind of like grave diggers?

Rasmus: Kinda. Ryan Theriot says they're nocturnal feeders.

Mozeliak: Oh! Ryan Theriot says! Ryan Theriot says! Why don't you go work on throwing a baseball further than 110 feet and stop listening to Ryan Theriot! [turns to Berkman] And I'd like you to stop filling Colby's head with half cocked theories!

Berkman: Half cocked theories?!?

NARRATOR: Latar tha' evening, Moze, Berkmang, ang Dunang becomg suspi'ous of Sanchez, ang Salas. The necks day, they find La Russa es missing ang the gang suspec's the new bullpen neighbors may be'en envolved. That night, Moze has a nightmare and Lunhow becongs worried abouts heem.

[SCENE: The next morning, Mozeliak sits on his porch, drinking orange juice. Berkman and Duncan approach.]

Berkman: Mo! Mo! We got a plan, come on!

Luhnow [appearing from behind Mo]: Sorry boys, Mo isn't feeling well.

Duncan: Please, Jeff! Let him come out!

Luhnow: He can't come out until he resembles the man I work for!

Berkman: Jeff, we don't have that kind of time!

Luhnow: I think I've given you my answer! [Berkman and Duncan kick at the ground and walk away hang-dogged.]

[curtain drops]

[SCENE: Mozeliak is sleeping in his backyard. The Petersons' dog, Boog, has just dug up a large bone from their fenceline.]

Berkman: Mo! Mo!

Mozeliak: I'm only trying to take a nap! I'm only laying here with my eyes closed trying to get some goddamn sleep!

Berkman: Duncan and I, we flushed 'em out. We wrote a note, slipped it under their door, rang the bell and ran!

Mozeliak: You did that?

Berkman: Yeah.

Mozeliak:OH GEEZ! STUPID IDI - I can't believe you - -

Berkman: All I did was write, "I know what you've done". That's all. I didn't sign it.

Mozeliak: OH! I can't belie - YOU STUPID... GOD!

Berkman: You gotta goose these people every once in a while. You gotta give them a little shot, give them a little whack, let them know that you're there.

Mozeliak: They're going to think I did it!

Berkman: What? Why!

Mozeliak: Yesterday, I left a note under La Russa's door, Salas saw me do it!

Berkman: It doesn't matter 'cause we got them on the run now! Now they know that we know that they know that we know!

[Boog runs up and Berkman takes the bone from his mouth]

Berkman: Mo, Mo, you know what this is?

Mozeliak: It's... a bone...

Berkman: It's a femur.

Mozeliak: It's a femur... bone.

Berkman: Mo, this is a human's bone. Where the hell did Boog gets this?

Mozeliak: Over by the fence... with the new bullpen guys.

Berkman: Mo, there's no doubt anymore. This is real. Our neighbors are murdering people. They're chopping them up. They're burying them in their backyard. Ray... This is La Russa!!!

[They both scream]

[Skip Schumaker walks onto the stage playing scary music on his kazoo.]

[Curtain drops] Narrator: Luhnow an Petini have had enough of Mozeliak, Duncmang, and Berkmang sneaking round an decide that the group -- sans Berkmang -- should do a friendly neighbor pop-in on the new bullpeng mates.

[Scene: The group walks up to their neighbor's house, Duncan carrying a plate of brownies. Duncan's foot breaks through the first step and he falls, spilling the brownies.]

Duncan: Well there go the God damn brownies!

[Petini rings the doorbell. For some reason, Chris Duncan answers the door.]


Petini: Hello, is your father home?

Dave Duncan, looking around nervously: Lets just go in.

[The group has a seat in the living room, joined by Eduardo Sanchez]

Mozeliak: Sure was... damp... today.

Petini: Yes, I couldn't do anything with my hair...

NARRATOR: The group has e nice discussiong with Salas, Sanchez, and Chris Duncmang, only to be interrupted by Berkmang trying to breaks into their house. Later, Moze, Dave Duncmang, and Berkmang meet up back in Moze basement. Moze has a surprise for 'em.

[Scene: Mozeliak and Luhnow's Rec Room]

[Mo pulls a toupee out of his shorts]

Duncan: You've been carrying that around in your shorts all day?

Mozeliak: After you left La Russa's house yesterday, I slipped this back in through the mail slot.

Berkman: Well, where'd you get it from this time?

[Ray gestures to the neighbor's house]

Mozeliak: I found it wedged in between a bunch of magazines, which, I might add, were all addressed to La Russa!

Berkman: Then that means that...

Duncan: Sanchez went back into the house and got the hair. What do we do now, soldier?

Mozeliak: Well you heard them say they're leaving tomorrow morning? As soon as they're gone, I'm going over that fence, and I'm not coming back until I find a dead body.

[Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion to The 'Burbspen.]