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Houston Astros Descend Into Self-Parody, Name Brett Myers Their Totally Necessary Closer

The Houston Astros are going to lose many, many more games than they win next year. I am willing to go out on that limb. This one, too: They're going to have a hard time finding above-replacement-level innings in their pitching staff. From those two limbs, I offer this simple suggestion: Don't make the veteran who's thrown 440 innings for you over the last two years into your closer. You do not need a closer, Houston Astros. Bad Houston Astros.

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Last year Mark Melancon was their closer. They got 74 good innings out of him. Meanwhile, they got 156 terrible innings out of J.A. Happ, and replacement-level innings from the likes of Jeff Fulchino, Henry Sosa, and Aneury Rodriguez. Now they have successfully filled 74 innings and left 216 more open for the 12th and 13th-best pitchers on their roster.

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The Astros haven't eaten in three days, and it's hard to say where they'll find their next meel; somebody's handed them a hundred-dollar bill, and they have gone down to Target and bought a Waterpik with it. Waterpiks are great! Your teeth feel super clean afterward! But maybe buy food first.