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Houston Astros Descend Into Self-Parody, Name Brett Myers Their Totally Necessary Closer

The Houston Astros are going to lose many, many more games than they win next year. I am willing to go out on that limb. This one, too: They're going to have a hard time finding above-replacement-level innings in their pitching staff. From those two limbs, I offer this simple suggestion: Don't make the veteran who's thrown 440 innings for you over the last two years into your closer. You do not need a closer, Houston Astros. Bad Houston Astros.


Last year Mark Melancon was their closer. They got 74 good innings out of him. Meanwhile, they got 156 terrible innings out of J.A. Happ, and replacement-level innings from the likes of Jeff Fulchino, Henry Sosa, and Aneury Rodriguez. Now they have successfully filled 74 innings and left 216 more open for the 12th and 13th-best pitchers on their roster.


The Astros haven't eaten in three days, and it's hard to say where they'll find their next meel; somebody's handed them a hundred-dollar bill, and they have gone down to Target and bought a Waterpik with it. Waterpiks are great! Your teeth feel super clean afterward! But maybe buy food first.