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Breaking Down Barret Browning's All-Star Night

Last night was baseball's most glamorous night! The Mid-Summer Classic! The All-Star Game! Red carpet, massive parties, supermodels... Just one non-stop night of action! It's all there for the taking!

For the players who were invited.

For the rest of the league, it can be a night of frustration, desperation, danger, and no GOD DAMN RIBEYES.

Take Cardinals reliever Barret Browning for example.


Looks like Barret decided to stick around Saint Louis for the All-Star break! What a good civic-minded individual! Hopefully his twitter followers have some good advice for him!


Oh no, he went to Lumière Place. Let's just say it's nothing like the commercials. And they were out of ribeye? That's weak shit, Stadium Sports Bar and Grill. WEAK SHIT.


This tweet is only missing a Chrysler Seabring and a "Sick of this." to be a perfect @DadBoner tweet.


oh god. I'm a little nervous how this will end.


Oh, good! He found the game and was not murdered by a stranger on the Internet. Now he can watch his teammates play in the All-Star game while he sits alone in a downtown Saint Louis hotel room, with greasy chicken wing fingers and we can only assume a tall boy of Stag.


And a new favorite song!