A while ago SB Nation suggested I start doing an NFL Picks column. "No problem," I said, "but these revolutionary conspiracy theorists are really on my case about something." They hung up (I must not have been making any sense) and while I'm being put under a citizen's arrest for firing the missile that brought down TWA Flight 800—I was nine, guys! You don't have to use the handcuffs!—I decide to dictate my picks for week 12. I signed a contract, and all.
It's then that I realize something terrible: I'm about to be blamed for vaporizing the NFC West. I'm a patsy! The real criminals are the—
The man you believe to be Dan Moore is under a citizen's arrest for crimes related to the Philadelphia Experiment, the Philadelphia Story, and the Philadelphia Eagles Dog-Killing Cover-up. Comrade Vogel will be transmitting your NFL Picks, Week 12, Episode 3, via a secure line, to be simulcast at a later date on the agreed-upon numbers station.
St. Louis Rams 24 at Denver Broncos 17. Neckbearded autocrat Kyle Orton will be first against the wall when the revolution comes—his career season was built upon the broken backs of the rushing game! The St. Louis Rams' pass defense is supremely fair, perhaps to its detriment, but their ruthlessly oligarchic run defense will force the Broncos to rely more heavily on Orton than usual.
The Broncos' defense is more porous than the West's bankrupt ideological foundation, and the Rams' more balanced attack will prove an ideal vessel for transmission of the new and triumphant rhetoric of the NFC Westovik party. Expect big games from Party Secretary Steven Jackson and First Daejang Sam Bradford in the Rams' first road victory of the season.
San Francisco 49ers 17 at Arizona Cardinals 3. Listen. Listen very closely, and then burn this missive. What I am suggesting to you is offered under the strictest confidences. It is that Matt Leinart was exiled from the Arizona Cardinals not for ineffectiveness or his bourgeoise leanings but by—not for at all, but by a cabal of NFC Westocrat owners in an attempt to destabilize the more fully radicalized southwestern region by installing Derek Anderson.
Clearly and regretfully it has worked. The San Francisco 49ers, under the rejuvenating leadership of Troy Smith, will put the Cardinals where their horrifying point differential has suggested they ought to be all along.
Kansas City Chiefs 14 at Seattle Seahawks 17. We all derive strength from the stirring example of the motherland, and the Seattle Seahawks are no different. Matt Hasselbeck's remarkable resurgence away from home will only look more impressive to his comrades in Seattle.
The Kansas City Chiefs are a considerably better team than the doughy and week capitalists presently comprising the Seattle Seahawks, but the man you believe to be Dan Moore must be punished for his collaborationist tendencies in the face of global NFC West obstruction. The Seattle Seahawks will be made to win 17 to 14.
Do not attempt to contact than you believed to be Dan Moore.