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Karina Smirnoff, Brad Penny Will Marry, St. Louis Cardinals Probably Not Invited

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Dancing with the Stars non-star Karina Smirnoff and St. Louis Cardinals pitching non-pitcher Brad Penny are engaged, according to the all-seeing eye of the Internet and people who know who Karina Smirnoff is. Penny, who dated Alyssa Milano, and Smirnoff, who dated Mario Lopez, will presumably have a lot to talk about re: '80s TV shows. 

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What I want to know, though, is why this is the first we've heard of Brad Penny in about four months. No player has ever caught Troy Glaus's Disease so violently, not even Troy Glaus — he was expected back for a while, and then all of a sudden he just wasn't, and we never talked about it. Ms. Smirnoff's publicists wouldn't get back to me, but I'd like her to confirm, if she could, that Brad Penny still has a right arm. 

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Meanwhile, non-baseball outlets are scrambling to find interesting things to say about Brad Penny. I'd like to offer an additional one: He injured himself hitting a grand slam this season. He is an enormous, sturdy-looking starting pitcher who is made of melting pykrete. Also, he managed to come back from injury even less effectively than Kyle Lohse did. Hat tip to Drew Silva.