Earlier this week I made some general NFL Playoff picks, but as a Midwesterner I feel like I am peculiarly able—obligated, really—to offer some more specific picks about the NFC Championship game between the Chicago Bears and the Green Bay Packers. Here are various scenarios you might see play out Sunday on Fox, as the Packers come to visit the Bears in Soldier Field for the first time since they left for school out East in August:â†µ
Green Bay Packers (25) Show Up, Chicago Bears (31) Complain About Their Hair. The Packers say they like it this way, and so does everybody at school, and anyway it's not like they have a lot of spending money to get haircuts every month. The Bears give them a big hug and mutters something about the Packers having enough money to buy cigarettes. Jay Cutler throws three touchdowns and two interceptions.â†µ
Green Bay Packers (3) Spend All Their Time Working On Their Uncle's Computer, Chicago Bears (7) Say They Should Ask To Be Paid, If It's Such An Imposition. The Packers' uncle, it turns out, has been going to some really weird websites, but it's not like they can say that in front of their grandma, who's just sitting there the whole time, and meanwhile their friends bought a ton of Natty Ice, which, at least it's beer, and the Packers' little cousins keep shooting them with Nerf guns. The Chicago Bears are all, oh, so now your uncle isn't as important as your friends? Jay Cutler throws two interceptions and delivers a really passive-aggressive remark about the time they found the Packers frantically burning incense in the basement.â†µ
Green Bay Packers (21) Won't Stop Talking About Things They Read On Gawker, Chicago Bears (28) Turns On Sarah Palin's Alaska Even Though They Know It Pisses The Packers Off. The Packers are really touchy all night during dinner, especially after the Bears don't know who Jonathan Franzen is when they make a hilarious snarky joke about Freedom; when Sarah Palin kills and cleans a small bear with a kitchen knife the Packers push their plate forward until it finally makes a noise and go upstairs. Jay Cutler cleans off the plate at the sink with tears in his eyes, because that casserole was always the Packers' favorite when things were better between them, and then throws 15 interceptions.â†µ
When class is back in session the Packers promise they had a good time over break, but the Bears are like, maybe act like it next time, who knows how long your grandparents will be with us.