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Austin Pettis Suspended For PED Use, St. Louis Rams Wide Receivers Fear Voodoo Curse

Austin Pettis is suspended four games for violating the NFL's performance-enhancing substances policy. The St. Louis Rams have no more wide receivers.

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Austin Pettis is the St. Louis Rams' latest wide receiver to show promise and then rapidly have that promise pulled out from under his team—he's been suspended for PED use, according to the Post-Dispatch's Jim Thomas. The 2011 NFL Draft pick's four-game suspension is only the latest piece of evidence pointing to one obvious conclusion: The St. Louis Rams' entire wide receiving corps has been cursed by some kind of stereotypical 70s-sitcom voodoo practitioner. 

Exhibit A: Danario Alexander's impossibly balky knee. Exhibit B: Danny Amendola's elbow bending in ways elbows don't bend. Exhibit C: Mike Sims-Walker vanishing into thin air shortly after being announced as the Rams' big offensive acquisition. Exhibit D: Greg Salas contracting Danny Amendola's Disease shortly after turning into Danny Amendola. Exhibit E: Mark Clayton returning from the physically unable to perform list only to prove physically unable to perform.

And Exhibit F—Austin Pettis, clearly aware he's the next domino to fall, overcompensating by violating the NFL's performance enhancing drug policy, which is basically, "Try not to let people realize that everyone in the NFL is on performance enhancing drugs." 

In response to the news Brandon Gibson was seen purchasing a single passage to Samarra.