Sidney Lumet, famed director of 12 Angry Men, Network, and a million other movies, all the way up to 2007's Before the Devil Knows You're Dead, died Saturday at the age of 86. Turf Show TImes decided to celebrate his life by imagining some new Lumet films about the St. Louis Rams—which is, for my money, one of the best ways anyone can be immortalized.â†µ
That got me thinking about some other St. Louis sports movies just waiting to be made. I picked Woody Allen, still alive at this juncture, but I'd love to hear your own ideas for famous directors' hypothetical St. Louis projects in the comments.â†µ
Ozzie and His Brother. Ozzie Canseco, a nebbishy middle-aged Jewish man living in St. Louis, is forced to deal with the arrival of his boorish brother Jose—just as he's dealing with his disintegrating marriage, the opening of his first solo gallery show, and a series of embarrassing steroids-related misunderstandings. All the while Ozzie attempts to come to grips with his relationship with a precocious high school senior.â†µ
Everyone Says I Hate You. In this frothy musical Ryan Franklin, a nebbishy middle-aged Jewish man living in St. Louis, attempts to win over St. Louis's notoriously fickle baseball fans while his ex-wife finds her family situation has suddenly become much more complex than she anticipated. All the while Ryan attempts to come to grips with his relationship with a precocious high school senior.â†µ
Hollywood Ending. A madcap comedy about Jim Edmonds, a nebbishy Jewish center fielder who goes psychosomatically blind when the St. Louis Cardinals attempt to trade him for a strapping young gentile named David Freese. All the while Jim attempts to come to grips with his relationship with a precocious high school senior.â†µ
Bullets Over, Around, And Under Broadway. Rick Ankiel, a nebbishy Jewish pitching sensation, finds himself unable to throw strikes after he's hypnotized by a dinner-theater charlatan. All the while Rick attempts to come to grips with his relationship with a precocious high school senior, which actually isn't weird at all in this case.