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NFL Lockout Not Over Yet, I Promise, Says Nefarious Owner

"The NFL lockout? Oh, I'm digging that," said an anonymous, mustaches-twirling owner Sunday, concluding a brief and fictional interview with SB Nation St. Louis reporters. "Mainly I like the part where you guys pay attention to me. Do you like my NFL team? I bought it to impress you, but then people started looking at it instead of me."

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"The thing of it is," continued the owner, tying the first of several preseason games to the train tracks to a mostly uncaring crowd reaction, "I got into this whole being-rich business to draw attention to myself. What better way than owning an NFL team, right? Those guys are on TV all the time. But then I figured out that when you buy an entertainment conglomerate, people watch the entertainment, and not you." 

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When told the target date for the end of the NFL lockout was July 10, the nefarious owner chuckled to himself and tented his fingers, saying, "I suppose so, I suppose so. A possibility." When pressed for further comment a silent alarm was triggered and the SB Nation St. Louis reporter was dumped through a trap door into a pit filled with alligators, that pig thing from Toys, and Tiki Barber

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