A while ago SB Nation suggested I start doing an NFL Picks column ahead of the St. Louis Rams' Week 4 contest with the Washington Redskins. "Definitely!" I said. "But I'm in the English department a lot now, and I'm a little worried about saying the Washington You-Knows' team nickname around all these You-Know-Americans..."
They hung up, probably because they haven't heard the tragic story of Louis Sockalexis! But hey, I liked The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fistfight in Heaven, right? I'm totally allowed! Without further adieu, here's NFL Picks Week 4: White Liberal Arts Grad Talking Nervously About Redskins Edition! Redskins-American edition!
Washington Native Americans 7 at St. Louis Male-Privileged Sheep 15
Of course the Rams are going to win. Playing at home—as though there's a place where privileged white males like Sam Bradford aren't at home—against a largely marginalized population of Native Americans owned, actually owned, by a rich megalomaniac and run by Rex Grossman, a basically incompetent white governor? Just ask noted NFL picks columnist Howard Zinn—this one was over before it began.
Wait, what was that about Sam Bradford? Okay—okay I'm just going to—no I'm not going to write it over. That rounds up to all-the-way privileged!
San Francisco Gold-Mongers 7 at Philadelphia Jingoistic-Symbols 24
The Gold-Mongers will do their best to follow manifest destiny to its logical and destructive conclusion, but with two competing oppressive power dynamics at work it's wise to choose nationalism over mere financial interests, right, professor? Is that cool, Native-American-American friend? Right?
Of course, football fans aren't likely to know that the Philadelphia Eagles' mascot was originally the symbol of the ostensibly socialist NRA during the Great Depression. Read up, friends!
Atlanta Falcons 14 at Seattle Seahawks 7
Thank goodness, I can't come up with anything I need to feel bad about here, right? Right? Tarvaris Jackson can just not be very good at playing quarterback? And the Falcons are just a better team?
Son of a—you're sure? Okay—some people might call Somali pirates seahawks—really, are you sure about—but really they're just symptomatic of a post-capitalist, post-colonial Africa wrecked by oppression and disease. Which is why the Falcons are going to win? Right?
New York Foundational Myths 17 at For-Profit College Loan-Trap 6
Like Paul Bunyan Eli Manning's relationship with Peyton Manning is magnified and mythologized so as to suggest he deserves dominion over his miserable little fiefdom, but Kevin Kolb, the newly installed quarterback of the Arizona Cardinals, will be too busy paying off the debilitating student loans that tagged along with his associate's degree from University of Phoenix Stadium for the Cardinals to adequately utilize Beanie Wells, who's off to an oustanding start but might not even be healthy enough to play, thanks to this health care system, am I right?