I know this is hard on you, guy who was trying his damnedest to support the 2009 St. Louis Rams, but there's no way around it: Your Donnie Avery jersey is no longer current, and it won't be vintage until the next time the Rams make the playoffs. You do your best to buy a souvenir in the Scott Linehan era, and this is how they treat you? At least they gave people who bought the HP Touchpad their money back.
↵It's held on longer than that Trung Canidate jersey, though, right? Here are five other ways to use your Donnie Avery jersey, if you're not willing to wait until it's funny:
↵1. Distinctly unsexy girl-pajamas. If there's one thing country and rap songs have both told me, it's that there's nothing sexier than a girl waking up next to you in your clothes. There's nothing weirder than a girl waking up next to you in Donnie Avery's clothes.
↵2. Awkwardly-typeset Mike Sims-Walker jersey. MSW is wearing 10 this year, if you're interested in wearing an imported injury-prone receiver's name on your back. Same goes for Brandon Gibson (11) and Jason Smith (77), if you're good enough with your masking tape.
↵3. Proof of your foul-weather fandom. Wearing a Donnie Avery jersey to a game in 2011 says, "I was a fan of the Rams before I knew who Sam Bradford was, and back when his high school team could beat us." It says, "I was once a big Keith Null fan."
↵4. Imitating Donnie Avery. This only works until casual Rams fans realize he's no longer on the team, but at a listed size of 5'11", 183 pounds, there's no player on the Rams more easily imitable by an average-sized human being. I suggest finding a very dreamy bank teller and attempting to use your uniform as identification for a withdrawal.
↵5. Dish towels, or something. You can kind of cut it up into—and with the dishes, I think? I don't know, I've never actually done it.
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