Super Bowl XLVI is hours away, and already one question has weighed heavily on the minds of Americans who can't wait to see a team from Boston and a team from New York compete in a major sporting event to the delight of TV network executives and Jimmy Fallon: What stupid thing is GoDaddy going to do for its stupid Super Bowl commercials in 2012?
I don't have the answer—if there were one thing I could give America, lord knows it would be that—but I've put some of SB Nation St. Louis's best minds on the question, and our stupid commercial actuaries have decided we're likely to see some of the following scenarios play out:
Somebody looks like they're about to take their clothes off. All their clothes. At the same time. Holy crap! And they're going to put it on the internet. GoDaddy should consider changing their business model to just, like, putting naked women on the internet, if that's even legal. Lord knows it's too hot for TV.
Danica Patrick does something low-quality and degrading. For what it's worth, I think Danica Patrick has every right to use her womanly charms for profit, fame, et cetera—I just wish she weren't doing it on the Super Bowl equivalent of a public access station.
The owner of GoDaddy leers like a really creepy volleyball coach. I'm not really into postmodern literary criticism's intense, comically strident reliance on power dynamics to unlock the Real Meaning of Everything, but this should be kind of obvious: If you're the one paying for an ad in which women take their clothes off, it's especially weird when you appear in that ad.
People you kind of remember are in it. You know, that girl, who was famous? Maybe Nancy Kerrigan and one of those hot tennis players will get into a super-hot slap fight and fall into a vat of salsa. Oh, and domain names.